In other news... (humorous news items)

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Plasma Man » Mon Jun 20, 2011 10:12 am UTC

So, Leicester, the council that was unprepared for a zombie invasion, has been invaded by zombies.
Please note that despite the lovely avatar Sungura gave me, I am not a medical doctor.

Possibly my proudest moment on the fora.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby SlyReaper » Mon Jun 20, 2011 10:20 am UTC

Plasma Man wrote:So, Leicester, the council that was unprepared for a zombie invasion, has been invaded by zombies.

Damn it all, why do I always hear about these things after the event?
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Plasma Man » Mon Jun 20, 2011 12:07 pm UTC

That was my reaction too. If I'd known about it, I'd have gone.
Please note that despite the lovely avatar Sungura gave me, I am not a medical doctor.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Iulus Cofield » Mon Jun 20, 2011 2:44 pm UTC

duckshirt wrote:This news item could actually have some serious debate on it, but it's still pretty funny and short so I'll post it here:
Portland Draining Reservoir after man urinates in it
$35,000 to prevent people from being (irrationally) grossed out...


This story makes me proud to be an Oregonian, I tell you what.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby LtNOWIS » Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:04 pm UTC

Angua wrote:Being unsure whether or not this warrants it's own topic (I can't actually believe it's true...), but

Jerusalem rabbis 'condemn dog to death by stoning'

New reports strongly deny that article.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Iulus Cofield » Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:31 pm UTC

That's a relief. I read that and thought it couldn't possibly be true, but I trust the BBC. Fortunately, I trust the BBC's retractions too, although I guess it wasn't technically a retraction.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby yedidyak » Mon Jun 20, 2011 8:19 pm UTC

Iulus Cofield wrote:That's a relief. I read that and thought it couldn't possibly be true, but I trust the BBC. Fortunately, I trust the BBC's retractions too, although I guess it wasn't technically a retraction.


Well, it was reporting that their sources retracted it. Getting out of a retraction by starting a whole new story on how there was a retraction of a story in a foreign site, which incidentally was also reported on the BBC.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Iulus Cofield » Mon Jun 20, 2011 8:29 pm UTC

And thus the BBC is forever technically correct. The best kind of correct.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby poxic » Mon Jun 20, 2011 9:15 pm UTC

"And now, a retraction. The story previously retracted, has been retracted. Those responsible for the retraction, have had their retractions retracted and are now retracted."
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Dauric » Mon Jun 20, 2011 9:24 pm UTC

poxic wrote:"And now, a retraction. The story previously retracted, has been retracted. Those responsible for the retraction, have had their retractions retracted and are now retracted."


Those responsible for the retraction have been sacked, and those responsible for the retraction of the retraction wish it to be known that they have also been sacked.

The news will now continue in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby podbaydoor » Mon Jun 20, 2011 9:32 pm UTC

Cue the coconuts clopping.
tenet |ˈtenit|
noun
a principle or belief, esp. one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy : the tenets of classical liberalism.
tenant |ˈtenənt|
noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Dauric » Mon Jun 20, 2011 9:41 pm UTC

Actually the BBC News will now be hosted (at great expense and at the last minute) by David LlamaMan, and Llama Shaffer. Cue the mariachi music.

Tonight's historical drama (starring Frank the Wonder Llama) will be on after the news.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby SummerGlauFan » Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:30 am UTC

dedwrekka wrote:
Virtual_Aardvark wrote:Yeah, I've been to a Black Muslim Bakery. Cupcakes don't negate as many extremism related issues as you'd think.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Your_Black_Muslim_Bakery


It's harder to fight against the "fat americans" when they're too out of breath to run at you with a bomb?
Spreading obesity is the new biological weapon movement? It's been heavily tested in America, and a proven killer. The next weapon in the war on terror, Cholesterol!


It's actually a super-brilliant plot by zombies (or perhaps Raptors, I am not sure yet) to get their prey population both acceptably slow and deliciously juicy and plump, prior to the uprising.
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In stores now.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby addams » Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:25 am UTC

M.C. wrote:http://www.theage.com.au/world/penis-prank-visible-from-space-20110608-1frml.html


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerne_Abbas_giant

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby johnny_7713 » Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:14 am UTC

SummerGlauFan wrote:
dedwrekka wrote:
Virtual_Aardvark wrote:Yeah, I've been to a Black Muslim Bakery. Cupcakes don't negate as many extremism related issues as you'd think.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Your_Black_Muslim_Bakery


It's harder to fight against the "fat americans" when they're too out of breath to run at you with a bomb?
Spreading obesity is the new biological weapon movement? It's been heavily tested in America, and a proven killer. The next weapon in the war on terror, Cholesterol!


It's actually a super-brilliant plot by zombies (or perhaps Raptors, I am not sure yet) to get their prey population both acceptably slow and deliciously juicy and plump, prior to the uprising.


Conclusive evidence its the zombies and not the raptors

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Aikanaro » Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:34 am UTC

Man robs bank for $1 to get medical care in jail

Spoiler:
MSNBC.com wrote:GASTONIA, N.C. — A Gaston County man robbed a bank and then sat down on the floor to wait for police to arrest him.

"(This is the) first time I've ever been in trouble with the law,” James Verone said from the Gaston County Jail on Friday. “I'm sort of a logical person and that was my logic. (That was) what I came up with.”

That is how Verone said he came to the decision to rob the RBC bank on New Hope Road on Thursday, June 9.

He didn’t have a gun and he handed the teller a rather unusual note.

"The note said ‘This is a bank robbery. Please only give me one dollar,’" Verone said.

Then he did the strangest thing of all.

"I started to walk away from the teller, then I went back and said, 'I'll be sitting right over there in the chair waiting for the police," Verone said.

And that is what he did.

The teller called 911 and police released the recording:

911 Operator: Is he being threatening to ya’ll?

Bank teller: Yes

911 Operator: What is, he has threatened you?

Bank teller: Yes

911 Operator: To shoot you?

Bank teller: Uh, yes. He’s sitting on the sofa. He can hear everything I’m saying, so I’m in a back room. But there’s four of us here in the bank. Please hurry.

911 Operator: Ok ma’am. They’re just right out there.

So why did Verone do everything he could to get arrested?

"Because I wanted to make it known that this wasn't for monetary reasons, but for medical reasons," he said.

Hoping for three-year sentence
Verone said he doesn’t have medical insurance. He has a growth of some sort on his chest, two ruptured disks and a problem with his left foot. He is 59-years-old and with no job and a depleted bank account, he thought jail was the best place he could go for medical care and a roof over his head.

Verone said he wanted police to arrest him.

"Oh yeah. I went in knowing I was going to jail," Verone said.

He is hoping for a three-year sentence. He would then be able to collect Social Security when he got out and said he would head for the beach.

"I've already looked at a condominium. I've spoken to a realtor on Myrtle Beach," Verone said.

He admits his story is unusual and said he wouldn't recommend anyone else do what he did, but Verone said he has no regrets. He said he is getting good medical care now, but the jail doctor accused him of manipulating the system.

"If it is called manipulation, then out of necessity because I need medical care then I guess I am manipulating the courts to get medical care," Verone said.

Verone may have a problem with his plan because he only demanded one dollar in the bank robbery. Police charged him, not with bank robbery, but larceny from a person. He might not get as much time in the slammer as he was hoping for.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Randomizer » Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:43 am UTC

Can't really hold it against a man for being desperate enough to want to go to prison, long as he's not hurting someone in the process.

They're saying he might not get the three years he's hoping for. Well, if he doesn't get enough jail time to suit him he could always go out and rob another bank when he's released, I suppose. I mean, hell, why not? If he can do it once he can do it again.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby KnightExemplar » Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:54 am UTC

Obama's bulletproof limo gets stuck on a tiny curb.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby the_bandersnatch » Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:54 am UTC



I don't find that particularly amusing, just sad. It's a shame when someone is forced into that position by the absurdities of the system.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Goldstein » Wed Jun 22, 2011 9:09 am UTC

Yeah, that's fucked up. Medical care is clearly available as the article states he's getting good medical care now, so why couldn't he have had it without jumping through hoops that help nobody?

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Iulus Cofield » Wed Jun 22, 2011 9:41 am UTC

He didn't get healthcare because he couldn't afford it. As a convicted felon, the government pays for his healthcare. In America, and everywhere, availability means nothing if no one is able to pay for it.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby the_bandersnatch » Wed Jun 22, 2011 9:43 am UTC

Iulus Cofield wrote:He didn't get healthcare because he couldn't afford it. As a convicted felon, the government pays for his healthcare. In America, and everywhere, availability means nothing if no one is able to pay for it.


Yes, we get that. It's still a fucked up system.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Iulus Cofield » Wed Jun 22, 2011 9:48 am UTC

That was for Goldstein.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Goldstein » Wed Jun 22, 2011 10:03 am UTC

No-one is available to pay for it? What part of his actions made healthcare more affordable?
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Hawknc » Wed Jun 22, 2011 10:03 am UTC

His actions made healthcare more affordable for him, in that he doesn't have to pay for it in prison.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby SlyReaper » Wed Jun 22, 2011 10:21 am UTC

Goldstein wrote:No-one is available to pay for it? What part of his actions made healthcare more affordable?

Overall? Nothing. In fact, it's less affordable because now the government now has to pay to keep him as well. And he won't be contributing to the economy while incarcerated. He as an individual is better off because he doesn't have to pay for healthcare.

It's an outright demented system where convicted felons get free healthcare but law-abiding citizens do not.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby johnny_7713 » Wed Jun 22, 2011 10:31 am UTC

SlyReaper wrote:
Goldstein wrote:No-one is available to pay for it? What part of his actions made healthcare more affordable?

Overall? Nothing. In fact, it's less affordable because now the government now has to pay to keep him as well. And he won't be contributing to the economy while incarcerated. He as an individual is better off because he doesn't have to pay for healthcare.

It's an outright demented system where convicted felons get free healthcare but law-abiding citizens do not.


I think that was Goldstein's point and you are actually all in agreement.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Iulus Cofield » Wed Jun 22, 2011 11:00 am UTC

Goldstein is making jokes too refined and subtle for us to get?

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Mallich » Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:21 pm UTC

EDIT: Already mentioned.
This is what happens when I only read the previous pages...
Last edited by Mallich on Fri Jun 24, 2011 6:14 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby SlyReaper » Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:26 pm UTC

Mallich wrote:People ask Leicester City Council if they have planned for the zombie invasion. Linksie.
"Ms Wyeth said she was unaware of any specific reference to a zombie attack in the council's emergency plan, however some elements of it could be applied if the situation arose."
"I think perhaps [the "Concerned Citizen"] has watched films like 28 Days Later a few too many times."

8 days later: Council's offices surrounded by zombie horde.
No news yet on the Raptor Attack Emergency Plan.

We know. It was posted at the top of this very page.

In other news: York Council builds a fence through a set of goalposts in a park. You'd think that at least one of the contractors who were building the fence would have noticed it was going through the goal, and would have scratched his head and gone "hang on guys, we'd best check with the council that they really want us to do this". But apparently not.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Gellert1984 » Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:31 pm UTC

SlyReaper wrote:In other news: York Council builds a fence through a set of goalposts in a park. You'd think that at least one of the contractors who were building the fence would have noticed it was going through the goal, and would have scratched his head and gone "hang on guys, we'd best check with the council that they really want us to do this". But apparently not.


Oh they knew, but now the council has to pay the contractors to take it back down.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Dauric » Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:48 pm UTC

Gellert1984 wrote:
SlyReaper wrote:In other news: York Council builds a fence through a set of goalposts in a park. You'd think that at least one of the contractors who were building the fence would have noticed it was going through the goal, and would have scratched his head and gone "hang on guys, we'd best check with the council that they really want us to do this". But apparently not.


Oh they knew, but now the council has to pay the contractors to take it back down.


Apparently though the fence is the first part of a larger renovation including new "play equipment" that may include an overall re-arranging of the park. I'm wondering if it's not so much that the fence would need to be removed or that a new goal has yet to be installed.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby bentheimmigrant » Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:51 pm UTC

I got the impression that they're going to move the goalposts (heh), not the fence.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Arrian » Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:12 pm UTC

Randomizer wrote:Can't really hold it against a man for being desperate enough to want to go to prison, long as he's not hurting someone in the process.

They're saying he might not get the three years he's hoping for. Well, if he doesn't get enough jail time to suit him he could always go out and rob another bank when he's released, I suppose. I mean, hell, why not? If he can do it once he can do it again.


The article doesn't have all the details, neither does this one, but it has more.

Gaston Gazette wrote:He considered turning to a homeless shelter and seeking medical help through charitable organizations.

Then he had another idea: commit a crime and get set up with a place to stay, food and doctors.

He started planning.
...
The day Verone set out to commit his first felony, he mailed a letter to The Gazette.

He listed the return address as the Gaston County Jail.

“When you receive this a bank robbery will have been committed by me. This robbery is being committed by me for one dollar,” he wrote. “I am of sound mind but not so much sound body.”

Verone wanted to talk to a reporter to make sure people knew why he turned to crime. He figured he had nothing to lose.

“I knew that a felony would not hurt me. I cannot work anymore,” he said. “That felony is going to hurt my reputation.”


I'm not entirely convinced this is an example of how horrible our system is. It might be a guy looking for the easy way out, or a guy looking for attention, or attention to the political issues highest on his priority list. That makes me leery of jumping to the conclusion that this is the result of injustice.

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Adacore » Wed Jun 22, 2011 11:31 pm UTC

Dauric wrote:Apparently though the fence is the first part of a larger renovation including new "play equipment" that may include an overall re-arranging of the park. I'm wondering if it's not so much that the fence would need to be removed or that a new goal has yet to be installed.

Yeah, it sounds like they're building an awesome-cool adventure playground type area, and just got the scheduling mixed up with putting up the fence before relocating the goalposts. Still makes for a pretty funny picture, and the 'own goal' headline writes itself :lol:

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby SlyReaper » Thu Jun 23, 2011 6:42 am UTC

Arrian wrote:
Randomizer wrote:Can't really hold it against a man for being desperate enough to want to go to prison, long as he's not hurting someone in the process.

They're saying he might not get the three years he's hoping for. Well, if he doesn't get enough jail time to suit him he could always go out and rob another bank when he's released, I suppose. I mean, hell, why not? If he can do it once he can do it again.


The article doesn't have all the details, neither does this one, but it has more.

Gaston Gazette wrote:He considered turning to a homeless shelter and seeking medical help through charitable organizations.

Then he had another idea: commit a crime and get set up with a place to stay, food and doctors.

He started planning.
...
The day Verone set out to commit his first felony, he mailed a letter to The Gazette.

He listed the return address as the Gaston County Jail.

“When you receive this a bank robbery will have been committed by me. This robbery is being committed by me for one dollar,” he wrote. “I am of sound mind but not so much sound body.”

Verone wanted to talk to a reporter to make sure people knew why he turned to crime. He figured he had nothing to lose.

“I knew that a felony would not hurt me. I cannot work anymore,” he said. “That felony is going to hurt my reputation.”


I'm not entirely convinced this is an example of how horrible our system is. It might be a guy looking for the easy way out, or a guy looking for attention, or attention to the political issues highest on his priority list. That makes me leery of jumping to the conclusion that this is the result of injustice.

Well it is a horrible system because prison is supposed to be a deterrent for crime. When you've got people desperately trying to get in, then something is clearly amiss.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Arrian » Thu Jun 23, 2011 1:45 pm UTC

SlyReaper wrote:Well it is a horrible system because prison is supposed to be a deterrent for crime. When you've got people desperately trying to get in, then something is clearly amiss.


I thought there was more to this story:

A hospital in Gastonia, N.C., — Gaston Memorial Hospital — offers discounts up to 100% to low-income patients. There's also a free health clinic just five miles from where Verone robbed that bank, and many more in nearby Charlotte.

If he wanted to travel a bit farther, Verone could have availed himself of the state-of-the-art medical facilities at the University of North Carolina, whose mandate is to provide "medically necessary health care to the citizens of North Carolina, regardless of their ability to pay."

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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby addams » Mon Jun 27, 2011 5:57 am UTC

Arrian wrote:
Randomizer wrote:Can't really hold it against a man for being desperate enough to want to go to prison, long as he's not hurting someone in the process.

They're saying he might not get the three years he's hoping for. Well, if he doesn't get enough jail time to suit him he could always go out and rob another bank when he's released, I suppose. I mean, hell, why not? If he can do it once he can do it again.


The article doesn't have all the details, neither does this one, but it has more.

Gaston Gazette wrote:He considered turning to a homeless shelter and seeking medical help through charitable organizations.

Then he had another idea: commit a crime and get set up with a place to stay, food and doctors.

He started planning.
...
The day Verone set out to commit his first felony, he mailed a letter to The Gazette.

He listed the return address as the Gaston County Jail.

“When you receive this a bank robbery will have been committed by me. This robbery is being committed by me for one dollar,” he wrote. “I am of sound mind but not so much sound body.”

Verone wanted to talk to a reporter to make sure people knew why he turned to crime. He figured he had nothing to lose.

“I knew that a felony would not hurt me. I cannot work anymore,” he said. “That felony is going to hurt my reputation.”


I'm not entirely convinced this is an example of how horrible our system is. It might be a guy looking for the easy way out, or a guy looking for attention, or attention to the political issues highest on his priority list. That makes me leery of jumping to the conclusion that this is the result of injustice.

I will jump to that conclusion. I pick up hitch hikers. I picked up a man that is fifty something. He has spina-bifida. He looks older than his years. His life has been hard. His legs are giving out. He needs help. He is homeless and he has no one to turn to. He was hitch hiking to a place that is rumored to have help for him. I don't know if there will be help for him there. He was such a sweet man.
Jail would be terrible for him. Yet; I can understand that Jail might be better than dieing of exposure or falling down and dieing because no one knows he is there. We find poor men and women off in the bushes and up in the trees, dead.
Most die of malnutrition and/or exposure.
Yes; It really is that bad. The care that the men and women in Jail get could be better. These men and women do not get the best care we can give. But, it is better than no care.
Life is, just, an exchange of electrons; It is up to us to give it meaning.

We are all in The Gutter.
Some of us see The Gutter.
Some of us see The Stars.
by mr. Oscar Wilde.

Those that want to Know; Know.
Those that do not Know; Don't tell them.
They do terrible things to people that Tell Them.

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Zamfir
I built a novelty castle, the irony was lost on some.
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Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby Zamfir » Mon Jun 27, 2011 11:42 am UTC

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/06/27/us-france-apocalypse-bugarach-idUSTRE75Q1AK20110627

French village bemused by Apocalyptic strangers

Somehow, a village in France has become known as the place the aliens will spare in the apocalyps of next year. So now they get tonloads of crazy tourists.

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M1k3_Nix
Posts: 123
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:19 pm UTC
Location: Plymouth

Re: In other news... (humorous news items, etc)

Postby M1k3_Nix » Mon Jun 27, 2011 12:25 pm UTC

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2007356/Shocked-woman-dies-funeral-heart-attack.html

Story
Spoiler:
A woman died from a heart attack caused by shock after waking up to discover she had been declared dead - and was being prepared for burial.

As mourning relatives filed past her open coffin the supposedly dead woman suddenly woke up and started screaming as she realised where she was.
Fagilyu Mukhametzyanov, 49, had been wrongly declared deceased by doctors but died for real after hearing mourners saying prayers for her soul to be taken up to heaven in Kazan, Russia.
Fagilyu Mukhametzyanov pictured with her husband Fagili. The Russian woman died from shock after waking up at her own funeral
Devastated husband Fagili Mukhametzyanov, 51, had been told his wife had died of a heart attack after she'd collapsed at home suffering from chest pains.
Mr Mukhametzyanov said: 'Her eyes fluttered and we immediately rushed her back to the hospital but she only lived for another 12 minutes in intensive care before she died again, this time for good.
'I am very angry and want answers. She wasn’t dead when they said she was and they could have saved her.'

Hospital spokesman Minsalih Sahapov said: 'We are carrying out an investigation.'


Reckon this was a jaw drop funeral moment....
SlyReaper wrote:You shouldn't poke fun at a German's sense of humour like that. A German joke is no laughing matter.


"Simply because you can breathe, doesn't mean you're alive, or that you really live"


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