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2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 5:33 pm UTC
by alcore
Image

"Hang on, we got a call from the feds. They say we can do whatever with him, but the EPA doesn't want that laptop in the ocean. They're sending a team."

Exorcism people. This guy needs a priest. Or maybe Keanu Reeves.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 5:52 pm UTC
by J%r
I've got attacked by my desktop once. It shot shards of a CD at me.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 5:56 pm UTC
by Pfhorrest
This guy is me. I joke that "tech support hates me", because normal run-of-the-mill problems that tech support is equipped to handle, I am also usually equipped to handle, so by the time I call on tech support, it's something really, really bizarre.

Either that or I had some kind of total brain fart and overlooked the stupidest most obvious thing that I already knew about and just somehow forgot in the most crucial moment.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 6:38 pm UTC
by tms
I had to reiterate on the part about the ocean, before it sunk in. At least I didn't need the salty hand-holding of the alt text.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 7:10 pm UTC
by Archgeek
Things Very Wrong with That Laptop - by Symptom

  • Laptop is killing batteries -- minor short in or very leaky cap in PSU
  • Files get corrupted on the first day of every month even when clean -- FS has fencepost errors in its dating system?!
  • Static shocks from plumbing when plugged in -- PSU short is worse than we thought, also, there's a major ground potential fault in the house
  • Reboots in presence of an arc welder -- Radio bursts are inducing that much noise on the reset line, or there's obscene crosstalk between the wireless antenna and the reset line. Somehow.
  • Transitions lenses darken when exposed to the screen -- It's dumping UV? Replace the CCFL, it seems to lack a phosphor coating.
  • Too many tabs fog nearby photographic film -- X-RAYS?!

Recommendations: case this thing in lead and hurl it into the sun where it can't hurt anyone else, try the team that designed it at Nuremberg, and dissolve the company that sold it to people.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 8:33 pm UTC
by Konzmanaut
"Then", said Glorfindel, "let us cast it into the deeps, and so make the lies of Saruman come true. For it is clear now that even at the Council his feet were already on a crooked path. He knew that the Ring was not lost for ever, but wished us to think so; for he began to lust for it for himself. Yet oft in lies truth is hidden: in the Sea it would be safe."

"Not safe for ever, " said Gandalf. "There are many things in the deep waters; and seas and lands may change. And it is not our part here to take thought only for a season, or for a few lives of Men, or for a passing age of the world. We should seek a final end of this menace, even if we do not hope to make one."

The laptop cannot be destroyed by any means we here possess. It must be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 8:40 pm UTC
by JohnTheWysard
Certainly not the ocean! Based on at least one precedent, the best solution might involve a long hike to Mt. Doom in Mordor!

The problem is that the Orc armies and the Nazgul have since been replaced by ICE.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 11:45 pm UTC
by Soupspoon
TIL: I once worked in a small office opposite a garage (car/light-van repairing type) that we could see arc-welding happening in. May not have been entirely wired 'to code' (office and/or garage and/or the private road itself that we both were on), so this was the first time I learnt the value of surge-protectors for anything short of an actual lightning strike.

I also at one point had to (have a colleague) deal with someone convinced their monitor was causing their (whole-body!) skin condition to flare up, because their rashes were the same colour as the slightly off-white hue of the noticably faulty chromicity of the monitor.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 11:56 pm UTC
by Heimhenge
I has a Fujitsu laptop I needed to keep running while I worked on my desktop. Took a few weeks. When it came time to shut down the laptop I discovered its heat had "bubbled" the laminate surface of my office desk. Wasn't using a wedge or other thermal break. Surface is still flat enough to be usable but looks like shit. Those older laptops get frikkin' hot on the underside. Had a real hard disc.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 12:29 am UTC
by qvxb
Tech Support hasn't noticed that the only music videos YouTube plays on the laptop is Sympathy for the Devil.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 1:19 am UTC
by Mikeski
qvxb wrote:Tech Support hasn't noticed that the only music videos YouTube plays on the laptop is Sympathy for the Devil.

That's not bad.

Mine only plays media files backwards, looking for the satanic messages.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 6:16 am UTC
by CardcaptorRLH85
Archgeek wrote:Things Very Wrong with That Laptop - by Symptom

  • Laptop is killing batteries -- minor short in or very leaky cap in PSU
  • Files get corrupted on the first day of every month even when clean -- FS has fencepost errors in its dating system?!
  • Static shocks from plumbing when plugged in -- PSU short is worse than we thought, also, there's a major ground potential fault in the house
  • Reboots in presence of an arc welder -- Radio bursts are inducing that much noise on the reset line, or there's obscene crosstalk between the wireless antenna and the reset line. Somehow.
  • Transitions lenses darken when exposed to the screen -- It's dumping UV? Replace the CCFL, it seems to lack a phosphor coating.
  • Too many tabs fog nearby photographic film -- X-RAYS?!

Recommendations: case this thing in lead and hurl it into the sun where it can't hurt anyone else, try the team that designed it at Nuremberg, and dissolve the company that sold it to people.


With the exception of the last one, since I have no idea how a laptop would go about generating any real amount of X-ray or gamma radiation, all of those sound plausible. I hope this comic wasn't based on a true story.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 8:35 am UTC
by Mikeski
CardcaptorRLH85 wrote:With the exception of the last one, since I have no idea how a laptop would go about generating any real amount of X-ray or gamma radiation, all of those sound plausible. I hope this comic wasn't based on a true story.

Depending on how you define "laptop"--or on how big your lap is--the old Compaq Portable line might work. CRTs generate X-rays. Given everything else that went wrong, I assume the user had some way to un-lead the leaded glass that's used to control x-ray emissions.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 11:04 am UTC
by toni2068
i have two main comments

#1: it's fucking hilarious to me how the alt text built onto the main comic, i'm used to it adding additional humor, i'm not used to it basically being another fully realized panel in text form

#2:

My fucking laptop. God dammit. Fuck. Alienware, 2013, whichever one was the least expensive option though with maxed out RAM. Every. Single. One of these.

These? These being my laptop's model number. I've googled. I've checked. I'm not the only one. Others, plenty of others have had the exact same problem as me.

After about two years of flawless useage, it decided that every single time you start it up--even from factory reset--it will shut off after 30 minutes. No shut-down procedure, it's just CUT off.

I tried changing the battery. Others online have tried further. From what I can tell? It's unsolvable. Cleverer people than me have tried. Literally none have succeeded. I have found absolutely no people who have managed to fix this issue.

Beware. If you live in 2013, don't buy alienware laptops.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 12:22 pm UTC
by cellocgw
Konzmanaut wrote:"Then", said Glorfindel, "let us cast it into the deeps, and so make the lies of Saruman come true. For it is clear now that even at the Council his feet were already on a crooked path. He knew that the Ring was not lost for ever, but wished us to think so; for he began to lust for it for himself. Yet oft in lies truth is hidden: in the Sea it would be safe."

"Not safe for ever, " said Gandalf. "There are many things in the deep waters; and seas and lands may change. And it is not our part here to take thought only for a season, or for a few lives of Men, or for a passing age of the world. We should seek a final end of this menace, even if we do not hope to make one."

The laptop cannot be destroyed by any means we here possess. It must be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom.

Or by installing systemd //rim shot

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 2:21 pm UTC
by Jonathan589
Sensible sequence of operations in hierarchy of rising need:
1. Turn it off and on again
2. Stab it with a basilisk tooth
3. Exorcise it
4. Do the Mount Doom thing

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 4:11 pm UTC
by rmsgrey
Don't destroy it. Jeff Goldblum needs it in order to interface with the alien mothership!

I mean, you didn't think it was just a regular Apple laptop they used?

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 7:15 pm UTC
by hamjudo
That laptop must have really upset Mr Putin. He had the GRU (or FSB, or other Russian TLA) make an example of it. It looks like they chose to make an example of it up to 5 different ways simultaneously.

To send messages, they (and their Soviet predecessors) have had people killed with unusual radioactive isotopes, ricin, esoteric nerve agents, umbrella guns, and other distinctive techniques. This is a very unusual communication protocol, that is extremely resource intensive and incredibly low bandwidth. In comparison, sabotaging laptops is a comparatively light weight communication protocol.

I would not be surprised if the laptop's reboots due to arc welder issue was not intentional. I once failed to replace some conductive tape when I was putting electronics back together after another repair. The original problem was fixed, but the ground plane was no longer intact, and the device was painfully sensitive to electronic interference. While installing radiation sources, it is very easy to accidentally break ground connections, or leave off some shielding. (or so I've heard)

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2018 8:27 am UTC
by kodiac
Two thoughts on this one...

1. Having heard the support people talking about him, he's actually trolling them with made-up issues.

2. His PC actually has the kind of virus that "Weird Al" Yankovic sang about years ago.
For those who haven't heard the song Virus Alert, I recommend checking it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvfD5rnkTws

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2018 10:20 am UTC
by Invertin
There's a reason that my friend group routinely refers to tech problems and their subsequent inexplicable self-fixing as Chaos Magic

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:36 pm UTC
by rabidmuskrat
I'm fairly certain this comic was actually written about my mother.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 3:47 am UTC
by ijuin
I would have said my mother, but she’s too inept to do so much as boot up a computer successfully.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 12:24 pm UTC
by Dave Rogers
Konzmanaut wrote:The laptop cannot be destroyed by any means we here possess. It must be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom.


Wouldn't it be simpler just to set it up to dual boot BSD?

Dave

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 4:32 pm UTC
by Archgeek
Dave Rogers wrote:
Konzmanaut wrote:The laptop cannot be destroyed by any means we here possess. It must be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom.


Wouldn't it be simpler just to set it up to dual boot BSD?

Dave

The power of the Laptop can corrupt even the purest UNIX implementation. No, we must not think of using it, but instead bear it to the place it was forged. Only there can it be destroyed.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 5:30 pm UTC
by ijuin
Try installing Debian—then it won’t even boot.

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 1:00 am UTC
by Soupspoon
Just occurred to me: The One Ring was a Horcrux. (Or, rather, the Horcrii/Horcruxen were as derivative of such older examples as most of the rest of the stories.)

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 5:03 pm UTC
by Dave Rogers
Archgeek wrote:The power of the Laptop can corrupt even the purest UNIX implementation. No, we must not think of using it, but instead bear it to the place it was forged. Only there can it be destroyed.

I wasn't thinking of using it...

Dave

Re: 2083: "Laptop Issues"

Posted: Sat Dec 15, 2018 9:41 am UTC
by PM 2Ring
Soupspoon wrote:Just occurred to me: The One Ring was a Horcrux. (Or, rather, the Horcrii/Horcruxen were as derivative of such older examples as most of the rest of the stories.)


From the Science Fiction & Fantasy Stack Exchange:
Celestialgranturismo wrote:Tolkien took many influences from JRR Rowling - think of the Ring like a Horcrux. Once Harry (Frodo) destroyed the Ring (Horcrux), Lord Voldemort (Sauron) was no longer able to take physical form... 

:D