Awesome Teacher Quotes

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hintss
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby hintss » Fri May 21, 2010 5:11 am UTC

teacher: If you want, you can write "don't write on packet" at the top of the packet...

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby stardragon » Fri May 21, 2010 8:07 am UTC

My English teacher: Everything on the internet is lies. The sooner you learn that the better.
Also, in physics, one of the questions started with "A person is sitting unclothed in a room". The teacher was like, "Wait, What?"
Everybody laughed.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Cap'n Knots » Fri May 21, 2010 1:12 pm UTC

Teacher: "No Hookers!"
Enough said.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby TheChewanater » Fri May 21, 2010 8:11 pm UTC

Vieto wrote:
TheChewanater wrote:Today in history, the teacher showed us a Powerpoint containing a bunch of Renaissance paintings. Finally, we got to The Birth of Venus. There were a few funny quotes, but a picture is worth a thousand words.
Spoiler:
Image

Your bikini fails to cover up the woman on the left.

A few students noticed this too. :?
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Dark Avorian » Sun May 23, 2010 12:38 am UTC

History teacher: In all of my six years of running this simulation, never once has the consensus been to ignore what's happening in the Congo. These freshmen are the spawn of satan, you have been warned.
Last edited by Dark Avorian on Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:18 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby GroverCleveland » Mon May 24, 2010 7:13 pm UTC

My IB Pre-calc teacher once told me, "<My name>, one day, someone's going to absolutely positively beat the shit out of you." and then went back to teaching the lesson.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Monika » Mon May 24, 2010 7:28 pm UTC

Why did he say that?
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Odd_nonposter » Fri May 28, 2010 8:20 pm UTC

My HS history teacher, a rather old and staunchly conservative guy:
"You can't teach history without a flail!"
(Every year he brings out a flail and demonstrates it on the nearest kid's books.)

Alg II teacher:
"I haven't got the OGT results back yet. The state is about as efficient as a one-legged guy in an ass-kicking competition."

Middle school general science:
"Xylem up, phloem down." (To the tune of 'line' em up and mow 'em down.)

Some of the translations assigned by my Spanish teacher are rather funny:
"I sprained my eyebrow."
"Xavi hasn't paid the rent yet. I will go to his house tonight and punch him."
"Do not give Maria any more beers. She already can't walk straight."
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Nicad » Sat May 29, 2010 5:10 am UTC

Odd_nonposter wrote:Some of the translations assigned by my Spanish teacher are rather funny:
"I sprained my eyebrow."
"Xavi hasn't paid the rent yet. I will go to his house tonight and punch him."
"Do not give Maria any more beers. She already can't walk straight."


This reminded me of the quote in my signature. It translates to "My hovercraft is full of eels."

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby TheChewanater » Sat May 29, 2010 6:39 am UTC

Once, a student forgot the Spanish word for her aunt. The teacher said, "You can do your mother."
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby 01000011 » Sun May 30, 2010 12:08 pm UTC

"She'll be a geek 'til the day she dies. I bet if we snapped her open then she'd have E=mc² instead of a spine, and all the constants instead of organs."

-My physics teacher commenting on how extremely geeky I am in physics lessons (And outside of them :P)
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby GiovanniB » Wed Jun 02, 2010 9:11 am UTC

My accounting teacher: "Those who are born as a circle will never die as a square...."

Which I think he meant those who are ignorant, will always be like that (not surprising...) :roll:

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Monika » Wed Jun 02, 2010 6:10 pm UTC

But everyone's born ignorant.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Tyaust » Wed Jun 02, 2010 9:23 pm UTC

My Science 10 teacher: "Sphincters, doesn't everyone love sphincters. It's just such a fun word to say."

We weren't even talking about biology that class, we were learning about chemistry and talking about ethanol.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby jujuhu78 » Wed Jun 02, 2010 10:43 pm UTC

My teacher once said:
"All I ever wanted was a wife. Now I have one, and all I want now is a dicorce". He was serious! haha

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby She » Sat Jun 05, 2010 10:03 pm UTC

Playing mafia generates quotes. Thus, playing mafia with your teachers generates teacher quotes. I partook in this activity yesterday:
History teacher:
"Well, we're italians here, we gotta hang someone!"
"I don't trust anyone."

Maths teacher (the same teacher that I occasionally pay boardgames with)
"So, did you bring your own rope? Cause we're sending you to the gallows."
"Please, let's just go to sleep and the hang $student tomorrow."
"I think the whole lying and killing people thing appeals to $student..."

Imagine your teachers uttering these outside of the context of Mafia is of course what makes them funny.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby specs112 » Sun Jun 06, 2010 1:39 pm UTC

My history teacher has some funny quotes.

*looks at person next to me*
"See that look on her face... She's clearly plotting right now how she's going to take over the world..."
*points at me*
"...from <my name>, who is obviously secretly in control of the whole world already. Therefore, <other person's name> is going to fail."

"<My name> is not human, he's a robot sent from the future to get perfect scores on my tests!"

"The awkward level of this classroom just went up to over 9000 after you said that."

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby B.Good » Sun Jun 06, 2010 6:17 pm UTC

My physics teacher got a laser with a diffraction grading and he turned off all of the lights and demonstrated it. Here was the exchange:
Student: "Wow! That is really cool!"
Teacher: "You should try it on heroin, it's amazing!"

Same teacher:
"Electrons don't move in straight lines in wires. But for now we're just gunna pretend that electrons zip along in straight lines with little smiley faces on them."

Same teacher. He attached wheels to a fairly large water bottle with a rubber stopper and filled it with what I later found to be ethanol, waited for it to vaporize and then used a hand held Tesla coil to ignite the fumes and shot the rubber stopper. Here is the exchange that occured:
Student: "What chemical was that?"
Teacher: "I don't know, it tasted flammable so I thought I'd use it."

Same teacher when he was discussing gravitation:
"If everything is attracted to everything else, then why doesn't everything come together to form one great big ball of happiness?"

Same teacher:
"Science: it works, biatches." (yes, it was influenced by the XKCD comic).

Same teacher:
"A trick question? If by a trick question you mean a question where you actually have to use your brain and apply physics then yes."

My AP chemistry teacher when he was making thermite:
"If this doesn't burn the damn school down I don't know what will!"

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby MysteryBall » Sun Jun 06, 2010 8:18 pm UTC

My ICT/Business teacher had this habit of saying "He writes stuff not understandable by mere mortals" in regards to my ICT coursework (they used MS Access [implying it is still used seriously], I was using MySQL, cause I'm me).

He was very good at ego-boosting, I must say.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby eSOANEM » Mon Jun 07, 2010 5:52 pm UTC

From one of my school's history teachers to a class of year 7s messing around:

"stop being so ret... special needs!"

He used to go to my school as a student and seems to struggle to get out of that mindset sometimes. :)

01000011 wrote:"She'll be a geek 'til the day she dies. I bet if we snapped her open then she'd have E=mc² instead of a spine, and all the constants instead of organs."

-My physics teacher commenting on how extremely geeky I am in physics lessons (And outside of them :P)


In the same vein as that, my physics teacher commenting on my friend and my geek/nerdiness:

"for god's sake, can't you guys talk about cars or girls for a change?" the topic of conversation then changed to Summer Glau riding an electric skateboard.

In mafia:

My form tutor and former maths teach: let's kill eSOANEM for the lolz.

Cue wrote:My ICT/Business teacher had this habit of saying "He writes stuff not understandable by mere mortals" in regards to my ICT coursework (they used MS Access [implying it is still used seriously], I was using MySQL, cause I'm me).

He was very good at ego-boosting, I must say.


One of my friends would have done this, but the teacher barely knows access so he'd have got 0 marks so, sadly he was forced to use access.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Lioness » Tue Jun 08, 2010 12:19 pm UTC

Various chemistry teachers have made interesting analogies...

One teacher
My aim is to give you a headache. So, you all walk around this room, and I come up to you and kick you in the shins. You don't have a headache, dol you?

Trying to explain why orientation affects successful collisions.

Our normal teacher, on metal displacement.

So you have a swimming pool, and Cu2+ is swimming around, nice and slowly. But suddenly Na comes along and wants a swim. And Cu2+ is scared of Na, because Na is a faster swimmer. So Na jumps in and starts swimming around. And Cu2+ is scared, and jumps out. Well, it doesn't actually jump out. It just sort of goes and cries in the corner.


On atomic spectroscopy, explaining how electrons become excited.

Imagine you're walking up the stairs, and I come up behind you and put a blowtorch to your butt. What's the first thing you will do? Yes, you'll jump up a stair. And when I take the blowtorch away, you jump back down, won't you?

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby BlazeOrangeDeer » Wed Jun 09, 2010 5:03 am UTC

Mr. Gimpel (already mentioned by Mo-velocipede) explained the distance from a point to a line like this:(most quotes are paraphrased, his wording was funnier)
"So, here is a line that represents a road. You are this point right here, and this guy behind you is chasing you with a chain-saw. You want to be saved by someone driving their car, and you want to get there fast, so what path do you run? There's your distance."
Also: "Ohhh, the stress"
He would regularly threaten to "triangulate" students who wouldn't be quiet

"I go to country concerts all the time. I went to one a few weeks ago where I had an excellent seat, but my entire row was strangely empty for the majority of the concert." (he says everyone hates him)
He also told the story of when the neighbors held a party in their shared backyard without inviting him, on a day when he planned to mow his lawn. He took out his lawn mower at about noon and mowed his grass, including where some kids were playing volleyball. They moved. xD

He always made huge, really helpful review packets for his students, and explained that the other teachers hated him because they thought he made his tests too easy.
He wouldn't allow anyone to take pictures of him, and had a long record of not appearing in any yearbooks. He was convinced to give a speech to a group in the theater once, he spoke from behind a sheet of plywood.

Gimpel-(describing a line segment)"So it's six inches"
student-"that's what she said"
Gimpel-"maybe she did, but it wasn't to me"

He was the most effective math teacher I've ever had, in addition to being very entertaining. He also sat at the very same spot at his overhead projector every day, where he couldn't see me playing my DS or sleeping while he explained geometry to everyone else. Good times...

When he retired, he gave his briefcase full of wet-erase pens, compasses, and posters of famous mathematicians to a friend of mine, and those posters now hang in that friend's bedroom.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby No301 » Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:10 pm UTC

Today in English:
Teacher: Why were the slaves on the middle passage overheats(we are reading "A Rasin in the Sun" and got a bit off topic)
Student: Because it was cramped with a lot of slaves in confined quarters.
Teacher: Yes, but they were also held in the rooms that coal engines were so it was extreamly hot.

Thought it was a bit funny due to the fact that steam ships were not invented until the final century of the slave trade on the middle passage.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby scienceroboticspunk » Wed Jun 09, 2010 8:41 pm UTC

Health/ drivers ed teacher.
About sex and pregnancy: So you put the thing in the thing and if you dont put the other thing on you get that thing

About driving: So you put your hands on the thing then do that thing

this is exactly how he words things, its so awesome
these are words
type, type, type

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby hintss » Thu Jun 10, 2010 12:13 am UTC

today at a field trip to the local water treatment facility, the scientist was kind of funny:

and so, for the microbes to live, we have to feed them. we feed them...pizza...no, its this one chemical...


and before the water leaves the plant, we need to kill the microbes. to do this, we use these tiny knives...no, we use chlorine.
Last edited by hintss on Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:04 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby BlazeOrangeDeer » Thu Jun 10, 2010 3:12 am UTC

We were playing diplomacy in AP European history (a board game based on europe in 1900) and I was telling my teacher how to use the smart board to move the pieces, one of the armies was moving to Brest (a region of France in the northwest).
Me-"So, you touch the English Channel, and then you touch Brest" *teacher does, but smartboard doesn't respond properly* teacher-"I think you may have to help me touch Brest"

A literature teacher talking about the "Scarlet Letter" movie- "There is a sex scene in the movie, because you don't hire Demi Moore to keep her clothes on. Uhhh, ok that didn't sound very good..."

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Grop » Thu Jun 10, 2010 8:35 am UTC

Brest is a city, not a region except in Diplomacy. /trivia

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Omerprime » Thu Jun 10, 2010 9:13 am UTC

Our math teacher always says things like
"Look, this subject is so important you guys need to know how to do it so well it'll be like diarrhea. Two seconds, blllluuurrrpppp, and we're done".
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby joshz » Thu Jun 10, 2010 10:18 am UTC

Grop wrote:Brest is a city, not a region except in Diplomacy. /trivia
It's actually a city in diplomacy, too. Regions with supply centers are named based on a major city in them.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Turtle_ » Thu Jun 10, 2010 5:25 pm UTC

Lioness wrote:Our normal teacher, on metal displacement.
So you have a swimming pool, and Cu2+ is swimming around, nice and slowly. But suddenly Na comes along and wants a swim. And Cu2+ is scared of Na, because Na is a faster swimmer. So Na jumps in and starts swimming around. And Cu2+ is scared, and jumps out. Well, it doesn't actually jump out. It just sort of goes and cries in the corner.
I would say that the Cu2+ drowns itself and ends up on the bottom of the pool to escape.

scienceroboticspunk wrote:Health/ drivers ed teacher.
About driving: So you put your hands on the thing then do that thing
I read the quote before the fact that it was about driving and thought it was about ... something else.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby eSOANEM » Thu Jun 10, 2010 5:44 pm UTC

Lioness wrote:Various chemistry teachers have made interesting analogies...
So you have a swimming pool, and Cu2+ is swimming around, nice and slowly. But suddenly Na comes along and wants a swim. And Cu2+ is scared of Na, because Na is a faster swimmer. So Na jumps in and starts swimming around. And Cu2+ is scared, and jumps out. Well, it doesn't actually jump out. It just sort of goes and cries in the corner.



I'd be scared of Na jumping in the pool because of the explosion not because of its swimming ability.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby The Scyphozoa » Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:56 pm UTC

My former vice principal (who is going to be principal at another school next year) sometimes substitutes for teachers. When my Biology teacher (note that this is biology) had to leave for about 20 minutes, the vice principal came in. He spent a few minutes drawing an extremely detailed map of the west coast of North America, the east coast of Asia, and some of the islands in between, while we worked. Then he started talking about the Battle of Midway and drawing diagrams of where each country's forces moved.

Then our Biology teacher walked in, and the vice principal says, "And then, the mitochondria... Oh, hi Mr. <name>."

I then learned that he does this whenever he subs for a teacher. After he and my teacher laughed about it, I asked it I could go to the bathroom.

VP: "Well, yeah, with all this talk about water..."
Teacher: "It's been a pretty fluid conversation..."

He also uses the word "midway" whenever possible, and puts emphasis on that word. When he's talking about stuff happening at the end of the first semester? "Midway."
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby LordMantir » Sun Jun 20, 2010 1:35 pm UTC

I had an A-level physics teacher for the last two years who was amazing. He had some choice quotes:
"Work, pigdogs!"
"It's like communing with the dead in here."
"This lesson is physics by religion: I'm going to tell you things and you just accept them without asking awkward questions."
"It's time for physics by popular consensus!"

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby hintss » Mon Jun 21, 2010 3:54 am UTC

my dad's a finance professor at CSULB, so I guess this counts:

my dad: Scantron machines are awesome. The sad part is that the worse the students do on the tests, the more awesome the machines are...

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby freddi91 » Mon Jun 21, 2010 1:01 pm UTC

Theory-of-knowledge teacher, a semi-philosophical subject that you dont really do anything for all year, then at the end you have this essay that you can bullshit your way through by sounding deep.
"I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I lost all your essay first drafts. The good news is that none of them were any good anyway."

Chem professor, on the subject of alchohol. "Did you know that in asia in some office jobs you can get a course on learning how to hold your liqour? This is because unfortunately there is a genetic trait that can cause a deficiency in a key protein taht breaks down alchohol. As a result, they get drunk after even a single beer, which could be catastrophic when handling business meetings. You should always be on the lookout for these people. They make the cheapest dates."

By far the best was a greek maths professor, who got tired of one of the guys that kept making rude comments while trying to explain logic to him.
"And thus when A is related to B, and B is related to C, then A is related to C. Similarly, if [guy's name] is in a repationship with a girl, and that girl cheats on him and is in a relationship with another boy, then [name] is actually in a homosexual relationship with that other boy."

A line I wish my teachers would have used "Yeah? Well, you know thats just like, uh... your opinion, man."

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Chrishy » Tue Jun 22, 2010 7:18 am UTC

We had this substitute that taught us the Law of Sines for my precal teacher (yes, it was review. gahh)

"So now we have this:

sin 32° + 47 × sin 41°

And you may be tempted to just plug that into your little calculators, but we have to be sure that the multiplication comes first! You wouldn't want to anger your dear aunt Sally!"

(If you aren't familiar with the PEMDAS mnemonic, it isn't funny at all, but I was taught to remember "parenthesis, exponents, multiplication/division, addition/subtraction" with "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally.")

I also had a hilarious Biology teacher this past semester that loved to reference complex-sounding things as if she encountered them on a daily basis. So she said things like:

"I went to the lake this week and brought some planarians back." -Someone had asked why there was a bucket of water on her desk and that was her only response.
"...and then we just add a dab of oxygen into the mix and we can make some adenosine triphosphate!"

Other times she oversimplified things and just made them hilarious. Like once she was explaining why amoebas have contractile vacuoles:

"And since we know that plain water is a hypotonic environment, these vacuoles have to expel water so Mr Amoeba-Man doesn't explode!"

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby The Scyphozoa » Tue Jun 22, 2010 6:20 pm UTC

Chrishy wrote:"So now we have this:

sin 32° + 47 × sin 41°

And you may be tempted to just plug that into your little calculators, but we have to be sure that the multiplication comes first! You wouldn't want to anger your dear aunt Sally!"

You'd think a calculator that does sines would be able to do order of operations by itself...

Chrishy wrote:"And since we know that plain water is a hypotonic environment, these vacuoles have to expel water so Mr Amoeba-Man doesn't explode!"

Reminds me of my biology teacher calling it "Randy Ribosome".
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Chrishy » Tue Jun 22, 2010 7:37 pm UTC

The Scyphozoa wrote:
Chrishy wrote:"So now we have this:

sin 32° + 47 × sin 41°

And you may be tempted to just plug that into your little calculators, but we have to be sure that the multiplication comes first! You wouldn't want to anger your dear aunt Sally!"

You'd think a calculator that does sines would be able to do order of operations by itself...

Oh, they did. But the substitute was like 70 and was more used to using tables of sin values.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Monika » Wed Jun 23, 2010 10:54 am UTC

The Scyphozoa wrote:You'd think a calculator that does sines would be able to do order of operations by itself...

The first calculator I used could do sines, but not order of operations. Doing sines is much simpler than order. No saving intermediate results and stuff.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby MysteryBall » Sun Jun 27, 2010 3:26 pm UTC

"It's me, Mario" [/italian]
From a teacher who looks a lot like Mario, absolute legend of a teacher, my friend wasn't able to get it on film, because he said "he's not stupid", I bargained fixing a database for him, I now have it on film and it's Facebook'd. He'll enjoy his lessons on Monday I think.

And yes, he knows it's Facebook'd, left school now so we can add them.


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