[SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

Things that don't belong anywhere else. (Check first).

Moderators: Moderators General, Prelates, Magistrates

User avatar
Monika
Welcoming Aarvark
Posts: 3673
Joined: Mon Aug 18, 2008 8:03 am UTC
Location: Germany, near Heidelberg
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Monika » Tue Dec 21, 2010 2:08 pm UTC

mstjarna wrote:Spoilered because it seems like a good idea to spoiler it.

Spoiler:
By deviating only mildly ... from the restrained straight and narrow path of masculinity that is expected from maleness, I feel like a freakish deviant. Long hair, clothes ... and I already see people's silent judgment (classifying, then distancing) against me ... Something about the way I bear myself ... puts off quite a few people. ... feeling like I'm some sort of deviant makes me quite uncomfortable.

And when I am made uncomfortable over something about my behaviour and appearance and general aura, I get weird urges to slice my thighs up, or drink bleach. ... I'm not a danger to myself right now, but if I lose control over the situation (by which I mean, my privacy in regards to my psychological matters pertaining to gender--that they are kept between me and the very few who know) that is perhaps subject to change. I don't know--I would be a wreck, that's all I can say for sure. I expect everyone already thinks I'm gay or something. But I don't put it past people, especially my brother who has joked constantly about such things--in regards to me I mean--in the past, to get the or something right.

I'm used to being kinda on the fringes. Not being very social, being awkward around people, being different from others. But it is different in this regard. Like people look at me and think they see a leper or someone with a contagious disfiguring disease. ...

Spoilered because it's the reply to a spoilered post.
Spoiler:
You are at the very beginning of your transitioning. You are very fearful of how people will react. I think everybody would. There will be some bad reactions. But there will also be some good reactions.

For example your brother. You say he jokes about you being gay. In a good way or in a bad way? If you were really gay and would tell him, would he reject you for it or would he just say "I guessed that all along."? Likewise, if he guessed that you are / want to be a woman or if you told him, could this be a good thing, after all? Could his reaction be positive? There is also the advantage that you have actually started working on it now, so you don't have to say to your brother "I think I want to be a woman", which could yield an unfortunate response like "Are you sure?", you can say "I have started the process for getting my sex reassigned" in a 'It's decided and that's what's going to happen' way.

Think about how the other people around you are really self-absorbed* and insecure themselves, always wondering how others judge them. They may seem to distance themselves from you because they don't know how to react to you. This doesn't mean they hate who you are.** Everybody thinks of themselves as non-sexist nowadays, imagining we treat men and women alike. But in reality we don't. And when someone changes their perceived gender, this subconscious behavior becomes conscious. When you do as much as wear long hair and somewhat-feminine clothing, you challenge people's idea of what consitutes gender. So they become confused. But this says more about them than it says about you. Once you have come out / started transition visibly, you may be the first transgender person they meet and they kind of need practice to treat a woman who once has been a man like a woman. I know I did. For example during my first ever conversation with a transwoman I realized I smile much more often at women during conversations than at men. So I had to remind myself to do this with her just as with any other woman. The second time I met her this came much more naturally to me. I wonder how she perceived our first conversation. Did I behave like an idiot? Apparently not as much that she would never talk to me again. Or I guess she was already really self-confident about it, so she could deal with stupid insecure people like me. I fear I might have put off a not-yet-confident transwoman like you so much that you might not have wanted to talk to me again.

Maybe you can try out other people's reaction to your femaleness with people who don't know you yet, like dress in clothes you really want to wear in another city, or during vacation.*** (Because for people who have known you as a man for a long time it's probably the hardest to change the way they treat you and get them to think of you as a woman.) Hopefully this will result in some good reactions that will boost your self-esteem. And if there are bad reactions they don't turn out as bad as you imagine now they would be, and also you won't have to care so much because you never have to see these people again.

So all the best to you and for the way in front of you! There are people here who have gone all the way already or who are in the middle, hopefully you can get some courage / power / consolation / what you need from this.

And I hope I haven't written anything stupid and it doesn't sound like I am questioning your feelings or telling you you are wrong to feel the way you do.

___
* I hope this is not a bad word ... sometimes I reach limits when trying to express myself in English.
** Okay, unfortunately there are those hate-filled people, too. I hope you meet as few as possible of those.
*** Like, not right now, just when you feel comfortable enough with the idea.
#xkcd-q on irc.foonetic.net - the LGBTIQQA support channel
Please donate to help these people

Account20151023
Posts: 1225
Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 1:54 pm UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Account20151023 » Tue Dec 21, 2010 4:07 pm UTC

So I'm a straight male with many gay friends. Let me go ahead and put it out there that I wish I was bi, because that gives you so many more options. I'm just wired not to be. Anyway, before my current girlfriend, I was known as a bit of a player. I brought women back to my place frequently and repeatedly, and always on good terms (I've never lied, misled, misrepresented myself, or tricked anyone to get them to sleep with me). I'm pretty approachable. Several of my friends have come out to me, knowing they'll stil have a friend in me, no matter what.

A couple years back, a very popular gay guy I knew was having his 21st birthday party and invited me. He jokingly asked me if, for a birthday present, I would make out with him at midnight. I replied sure, why not. So at midnight, it happened as pretty much a spotlight event on a table in the middle of the room (tongue and all). There were cheers and shit. It was fun. Didn't change the fact that I'm straight and wasn't aroused by it at all. I got a bit of a reputation for it (the value of being a straight guy who women perceive as bi cannot be overestimated). In the years since, several gys who've come out to me have asked me to be their first kiss, as it were. I've never gone farther than that, and never will. Just not interested.

My question is does anyone else have any experience along these lines? I haven't met anyone else who really does this stuff. I'm sorry if this isn't the place to talk about it, but it seemed appropriate.

User avatar
Aaeriele
Posts: 2127
Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 3:30 am UTC
Location: San Francisco, CA

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Aaeriele » Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:27 pm UTC

BomanTheBear wrote:So I'm a straight male with many gay friends. Let me go ahead and put it out there that I wish I was bi, because that gives you so many more options. I'm just wired not to be. Anyway, before my current girlfriend, I was known as a bit of a player. I brought women back to my place frequently and repeatedly, and always on good terms (I've never lied, misled, misrepresented myself, or tricked anyone to get them to sleep with me). I'm pretty approachable. Several of my friends have come out to me, knowing they'll stil have a friend in me, no matter what.

A couple years back, a very popular gay guy I knew was having his 21st birthday party and invited me. He jokingly asked me if, for a birthday present, I would make out with him at midnight. I replied sure, why not. So at midnight, it happened as pretty much a spotlight event on a table in the middle of the room (tongue and all). There were cheers and shit. It was fun. Didn't change the fact that I'm straight and wasn't aroused by it at all. I got a bit of a reputation for it (the value of being a straight guy who women perceive as bi cannot be overestimated). In the years since, several gys who've come out to me have asked me to be their first kiss, as it were. I've never gone farther than that, and never will. Just not interested.

My question is does anyone else have any experience along these lines? I haven't met anyone else who really does this stuff. I'm sorry if this isn't the place to talk about it, but it seemed appropriate.


I couldn't say that I've had such an experience, since I'm bi, but I must say that you sound like a fantastic straight person; please, keep being who you are. :)
Vaniver wrote:Harvard is a hedge fund that runs the most prestigious dating agency in the world, and incidentally employs famous scientists to do research.

afuzzyduck wrote:ITS MEANT TO BE FLUTTERSHY BUT I JUST SEE AAERIELE! CURSE YOU FORA!

User avatar
Shivahn
Posts: 2200
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 6:17 am UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Shivahn » Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:56 pm UTC

I have a question for the trans people here. Has anyone been... surprised at how little you changed after you came out?

I guess I'm asking because I came out several years ago to my mom, but in that time I've changed only my dress slightly, my demeanor slightly, my movements slightly, my hair and my inhibitions. I know I'm not as strongly symptomatic as others, but I feel like she was expecting... more? And then I realized that she was probably assigning traits to my gender. For example, I think she thinks that I play video games is a masculine trait (which is pretty funny since almost all of my friends are female gamers and every trans woman I know games significantly). Another example is probably my vocabulary and such. Things which would presumably be at least a little different if I'd been socialized female, but now that I'm grown I'm me and it's silly to expect me to all of a sudden like to sew instead of play games* because those are feminine rather than masculine things.

So I'm asking if anyone else has had this? The weird sense that people expected a bigger change because they assigned things you do and traits of you to your gender rather than your personality?

*Terrible example, as I do sew from time to time, but it was the first idea that came to mind.

User avatar
Brace
Posts: 1169
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2009 5:40 am UTC
Location: Denver, Co
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Brace » Wed Dec 22, 2010 1:05 am UTC

Shivahn wrote:I have a question for the trans people here. Has anyone been... surprised at how little you changed after you came out?

I guess I'm asking because I came out several years ago to my mom, but in that time I've changed only my dress slightly, my demeanor slightly, my movements slightly, my hair and my inhibitions. I know I'm not as strongly symptomatic as others, but I feel like she was expecting... more? And then I realized that she was probably assigning traits to my gender. For example, I think she thinks that I play video games is a masculine trait (which is pretty funny since almost all of my friends are female gamers and every trans woman I know games significantly). Another example is probably my vocabulary and such. Things which would presumably be at least a little different if I'd been socialized female, but now that I'm grown I'm me and it's silly to expect me to all of a sudden like to sew instead of play games* because those are feminine rather than masculine things.

So I'm asking if anyone else has had this? The weird sense that people expected a bigger change because they assigned things you do and traits of you to your gender rather than your personality?

*Terrible example, as I do sew from time to time, but it was the first idea that came to mind.


Yes, this has been my experience as well. I'm really not that effiminate at all. I tried modifying my behavior to be more "girly" to within social limits, but there are two problems with that. First of all, I don't actually feel like it most of the time. Second of all, I don't cue in to what's socially expected of women nearly as well as I cue in to what's socially expected of men. It's to the point where I basically just went "fuckit" and am pretty much continuing to act the way I always have. If I feel girly I'll act girly, but not otherwise. The way I figure it, if people didn't want me acting like a guy then they shouldn't have raised me that way :P

What's really weird to me are my emotional fluctuations. Really emotional one day, completely stoic the next. That frankly confuses me, but I think it's less on the social side and more on the psychological/hormonal side, and really have no idea what to make of it.
"The future is the only kind of property that the masters willingly concede to the slaves" - Albert Camus

User avatar
TheGrammarBolshevik
Posts: 4878
Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:12 am UTC
Location: Going to and fro in the earth, and walking up and down in it.

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby TheGrammarBolshevik » Wed Dec 22, 2010 2:37 am UTC

Fuck you, Grandpa. You're terrible and immature and you don't respect people and that Pat Buchanan article you just sent me has burned up my last shred of family loyalty. Queer people are not pedophiles and they are not uncontrollable sex machines. Ugh.

At least I know for sure not to come out to that half of the family now.
Nothing rhymes with orange,
Not even sporange.

User avatar
Ginger
Posts: 1029
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:00 am UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Ginger » Wed Dec 22, 2010 1:29 pm UTC

Shivahn wrote:So I'm asking if anyone else has had this? The weird sense that people expected a bigger change because they assigned things you do and traits of you to your gender rather than your personality?

I came out to my mom first and soon the rest of my family. I think either they'll assign their version of "gender-appropriate" traits to you or just ignore your traits entirely. None of them seem to think of me as female at all. It's possible that they won't once I start presenting that way! In that sense the "bigger change" must be merely a blip in the perception radar at all.
Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.


Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

User avatar
Jessica
Jessica, you're a ...
Posts: 8337
Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2007 8:57 pm UTC
Location: Soviet Canuckistan

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Jessica » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:39 pm UTC

@TGB - Fucking hell, that sucks. It hurts when family does shit like that.

Well, at least you know your grandfather is an ignorant douchebag.

@Shivahn - I changed, maybe not as much as I had expected, but I did change. I mean, my personality is very similar, but I'm more outgoing and happy. And yay for mood swings.
doogly wrote:On a scale of Mr Rogers to Fascism, how mean do you think we're being?
Belial wrote:My goal is to be the best brain infection any of you have ever had.

User avatar
sophyturtle
I'll go put my shirt back on for this kind of shock. No I won't. I'll get my purse.
Posts: 3476
Joined: Thu Mar 20, 2008 4:19 pm UTC
Location: it's turtles all the way down, even in the suburbs
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby sophyturtle » Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:17 pm UTC

We also know that Pat jerk is completely delusional. "Was there a national clamor for it? " Yes. 80% of the population wanting clamoring.

I will not read the rest of it knowing how wrong he is.

*hug*
Sorry your grandpa sent you that. If you like I would be happy to help build a quote-snipe type response proving him wrong. (Pat, but maybe your grandpa too.) or other appropriate support since that might be pushy of me.

*more hug*
I want to get to a place where I am neither conforming nor rebelling but simply being.

User avatar
Aaeriele
Posts: 2127
Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 3:30 am UTC
Location: San Francisco, CA

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Aaeriele » Wed Dec 22, 2010 8:23 pm UTC

*hugs TGB*
Vaniver wrote:Harvard is a hedge fund that runs the most prestigious dating agency in the world, and incidentally employs famous scientists to do research.

afuzzyduck wrote:ITS MEANT TO BE FLUTTERSHY BUT I JUST SEE AAERIELE! CURSE YOU FORA!

User avatar
Monika
Welcoming Aarvark
Posts: 3673
Joined: Mon Aug 18, 2008 8:03 am UTC
Location: Germany, near Heidelberg
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Monika » Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:29 pm UTC

Buchanan, besides being a homophobic dick, is a total loony toon. Aren't these right-wing types normally big fans of the US Constitution? (Not that there's anything wrong with being for constitutions.) But then he writes nonsense like "The least respected of American institutions, Congress, with an approval rating of 13 percent, is imposing its cultural and moral values on the most respected of American institutions, the U.S. military." O.M.G. how dare the legislative power of a democratic country, the elected representatives of the people, make laws?! Laws that are binding for everybody in that country including the military? Those countries where the military makes the laws and runs the country or at least the military is not bound to laws really work so much better. :roll:
"Can anyone believe that mixing small-town and rural 18-, 19- and 20-year-old Christian kids, aspiring Marines, in with men sexually attracted to them is not going to cause hellish problems?" You can't have it both ways, Patty. Either 18-to-20-year olds are innocent children. Then don't send them into wars. Or they are adults old enough to choose with whom to have relationships and/or intercourse.

Sucks to have a relative who would forward such nasty links :( . *hugs*

----------

Some positive news: Homosexuality pulled from Alberta disorders guide.
#xkcd-q on irc.foonetic.net - the LGBTIQQA support channel
Please donate to help these people

User avatar
podbaydoor
Posts: 7548
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 4:16 am UTC
Location: spaceship somewhere out there

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby podbaydoor » Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:39 pm UTC

Anyway, aren't those homosexual men also aspiring Marines right along with the supposed innocent rubes from Podunktown? And apparently there are no gays whatsoever in rural America, ever. The level of cognitive dissonance here is surreal.
tenet |ˈtenit|
noun
a principle or belief, esp. one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy : the tenets of classical liberalism.
tenant |ˈtenənt|
noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

User avatar
doogly
Dr. The Juggernaut of Touching Himself
Posts: 5538
Joined: Mon Oct 23, 2006 2:31 am UTC
Location: Lexington, MA
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby doogly » Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:59 pm UTC

It's kind of like Iran, actually.
LE4dGOLEM: What's a Doug?
Noc: A larval Doogly. They grow the tail and stinger upon reaching adulthood.

Keep waggling your butt brows Brothers.
Or; Is that your eye butthairs?

User avatar
Sarr
Posts: 891
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2007 9:34 pm UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Sarr » Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:01 am UTC

Wow, that has to be the most awful thing I've read all day. I'm really sorry you had to deal with a relative of all people sending you that, TGB.

Also, I had something of a revelation this morning. I think it's basically correct, but it almost feels like I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too.
Rakysh wrote:Basically, xkcd is basically for punching into submission the dumb frat guy in your brain.

User avatar
Aaeriele
Posts: 2127
Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 3:30 am UTC
Location: San Francisco, CA

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Aaeriele » Thu Dec 23, 2010 8:57 am UTC

I really need to stop reading news article comment threads.
Vaniver wrote:Harvard is a hedge fund that runs the most prestigious dating agency in the world, and incidentally employs famous scientists to do research.

afuzzyduck wrote:ITS MEANT TO BE FLUTTERSHY BUT I JUST SEE AAERIELE! CURSE YOU FORA!

User avatar
Virtual_Aardvark
Posts: 882
Joined: Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:27 pm UTC
Location: The Final Frontier
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Virtual_Aardvark » Thu Dec 23, 2010 9:15 am UTC

See. And we totally just talked about this too.
But yeah, internet commenters are a rather awful cross-section of humanity.
"imaginary gardens with real toads in them"
Mighty Jalapeno wrote:An actual cloud... full of lesbians.

User avatar
michaelandjimi
Isn't Even Playing
Posts: 2353
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 8:21 am UTC
Location: Citizen of the World
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby michaelandjimi » Thu Dec 23, 2010 2:56 pm UTC

podbaydoor wrote:Anyway, aren't those homosexual men also aspiring Marines right along with the supposed innocent rubes from Podunktown? And apparently there are no gays whatsoever in rural America, ever. The level of cognitive dissonance here is surreal.
My favourite is where he ignores the fact that there are (OHMYGOSH) women serving in the army and I'm fairly sure that their attraction to our 18-, 19-, and 20-year old Christians would be just as distracting as the homosexuals.
Whelan wrote:Relax, have a good time, and hope for the bees ;)

User avatar
podbaydoor
Posts: 7548
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 4:16 am UTC
Location: spaceship somewhere out there

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby podbaydoor » Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:14 pm UTC

Is Pat Buchanan also aware there are...colored peoples in the military too? Some of them take showers with our fresh-faced SmallTown white boys!
tenet |ˈtenit|
noun
a principle or belief, esp. one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy : the tenets of classical liberalism.
tenant |ˈtenənt|
noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

Account20151023
Posts: 1225
Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 1:54 pm UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Account20151023 » Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:12 pm UTC

I believe the last part of this is relevant to the conversation at hand.

@Jessica: A lot changed on the fora in the year I was gone. I'm glad you didn't.

User avatar
Aaeriele
Posts: 2127
Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 3:30 am UTC
Location: San Francisco, CA

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Aaeriele » Thu Dec 23, 2010 5:35 pm UTC



One forum I used to read had some fun with their replacement for swear words - instead of an asterisk for each letter of a filtered word, it used the entire phrase "RED ENGINE GO" - so a 4-letter curse would become "RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GO".

Just once I'd like to see a similar concept applied to some conservative forum, except the filtered words being LGBT-hatewords and the replacement phrase being something like "GAYROLLER".
Vaniver wrote:Harvard is a hedge fund that runs the most prestigious dating agency in the world, and incidentally employs famous scientists to do research.

afuzzyduck wrote:ITS MEANT TO BE FLUTTERSHY BUT I JUST SEE AAERIELE! CURSE YOU FORA!

Account20151023
Posts: 1225
Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 1:54 pm UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Account20151023 » Thu Dec 23, 2010 6:20 pm UTC

Getting Gayrolled would be a stranger, more politically relevant, lulzier version of getting rickrolled.

User avatar
Brace
Posts: 1169
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2009 5:40 am UTC
Location: Denver, Co
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Brace » Fri Dec 24, 2010 4:44 am UTC

So I went in to work, gave my coat to HR which I understood to be the arrangement (prevents me from having to use the locker rooms). They gave it back to me, saying they weren't allowed to hold coats even though they had said it was ok. Told me to use the men's locker room to lock up my coat. I gave the coat back to them and told them to throw it away so I wouldn't have to lock it up and they sent me home for "attitude". I hate everything and everyone.
"The future is the only kind of property that the masters willingly concede to the slaves" - Albert Camus

Account20151023
Posts: 1225
Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 1:54 pm UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Account20151023 » Fri Dec 24, 2010 5:02 am UTC

Kilroy(ZTC) wrote:So I went in to work, gave my coat to HR which I understood to be the arrangement (prevents me from having to use the locker rooms). They gave it back to me, saying they weren't allowed to hold coats even though they had said it was ok. Told me to use the men's locker room to lock up my coat. I gave the coat back to them and told them to throw it away so I wouldn't have to lock it up and they sent me home for "attitude". I hate everything and everyone.


Hey Kilroy, please explain in more detail, if you're comfortable with it (I don't quite understand).

EDIT: to be non-gender-specific (I apologize, I'm really bad at this).
Last edited by Account20151023 on Fri Dec 24, 2010 5:13 am UTC, edited 3 times in total.

User avatar
poxic
Eloquently Prismatic
Posts: 4756
Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2008 3:28 am UTC
Location: Left coast of Canada

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby poxic » Fri Dec 24, 2010 5:06 am UTC

Kilroy is female. Too many people perceive her as male because of how she was born. This has gone on, and on and on, her whole life.

That shit has to suck, and suck hard, Kilroy. Sorry. *hugs*

Edit: Boman, thanks! You're awesome.
The Supreme Ethical Rule: Act so as to elicit the best in others and thereby in thyself.
- Felix Adler, professor, lecturer, and reformer (13 Aug 1851-1933)

User avatar
Aaeriele
Posts: 2127
Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 3:30 am UTC
Location: San Francisco, CA

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Aaeriele » Fri Dec 24, 2010 9:10 am UTC

Kilroy(ZTC) wrote:So I went in to work, gave my coat to HR which I understood to be the arrangement (prevents me from having to use the locker rooms). They gave it back to me, saying they weren't allowed to hold coats even though they had said it was ok. Told me to use the men's locker room to lock up my coat. I gave the coat back to them and told them to throw it away so I wouldn't have to lock it up and they sent me home for "attitude". I hate everything and everyone.


*hug*
Vaniver wrote:Harvard is a hedge fund that runs the most prestigious dating agency in the world, and incidentally employs famous scientists to do research.

afuzzyduck wrote:ITS MEANT TO BE FLUTTERSHY BUT I JUST SEE AAERIELE! CURSE YOU FORA!

User avatar
Kewangji
Has Been Touched
Posts: 2254
Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2007 5:20 pm UTC
Location: Lost in Translation
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Kewangji » Fri Dec 24, 2010 9:29 am UTC

*hugs* for Kilroy if she wants them, and everybody else who wants them too.
If you like my words sign up for my newsletter, Airport Tattoo Parlour: https://tinyletter.com/distantstations

The Great Hippo wrote:Nuclear bombs are like potato chips, you can't stop after just *one*

User avatar
Brace
Posts: 1169
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2009 5:40 am UTC
Location: Denver, Co
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Brace » Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:42 pm UTC

Thanks guys <3

I have to go pick up my paycheck today and am expecting some sort of talk about yesterday. Hopefully I have the finesse to handle it; generally speaking I don't though.
"The future is the only kind of property that the masters willingly concede to the slaves" - Albert Camus

Sourire
Posts: 334
Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 3:11 pm UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Sourire » Sat Dec 25, 2010 2:13 am UTC

Holiday Angst/Whining (Post yours!):
Spoiler:
So today I was speaking with a few family members. My male cousin my age, an aunt, and I were talking. I told them I had added a double major this semester (so I'm now Chemical Engineering and Physics). This cousin said "You should just do fashion design." Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I said "I'm over a year into college, it'd be a bit late to switch now." Fast forward a few seconds, when I mentioned being interested in going into law school to take up politics, and he adds "Like Harvey Milk." I couldn't help but snap back "Or maybe I just happen to like penis, and I'm academically competent, and these are completely separate events." He looked downright offended.

Also over the course of the night, I was compared to Kurt from Glee, I was told that I could always adopt children, and said cousin accused me of "making it obvious" by refusing a beer he offered me.

I really, really, fucking hate being tokened.

PS: On to the other side of the family tomorrow!
Emi: Let the urge take you on a magic coaster ride of innuendo!

Kewangji: The universe is having an orgasm. Right now.

User avatar
Monika
Welcoming Aarvark
Posts: 3673
Joined: Mon Aug 18, 2008 8:03 am UTC
Location: Germany, near Heidelberg
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Monika » Sat Dec 25, 2010 3:50 am UTC

When I first saw people in the thread put spoiler tags around text when they are agitated or emotional or just write about themselves, I was confused. It's a safespace after all. Now that I am going to write about myself like this, I would like to be able to bury it under three spoiler tags :-/ .

So this is spoilered for general whinyness, for being about sex, and for, I don't kow ... yes, for a lot of "I don't know", a lot of undecidedness.

Spoiler:
I am not sure if I am straight or lesbian or bi or asexual or whatever. I am afraid it may be too late to figure it out. I am 30.

I am female and married to a man. We have been married for 2 years, but we have been together for 10 years. He is sweet and kind and romantic and everything I ever wanted in a significant other.

I am not sexually attracted to him; or to any other man; or to any woman.

Sex sucks. But I am not (yet?) willing to give up trying.

Earlier this year I discovered AVEN and that there is such a thing as asexuality as a sexual orientation. So maybe this is finally it; maybe this is what I am. But maybe it isn't.

When I was a teenager and noticed that my feelings for boys did not match the "butterflies in stomach" feelings I apparantly was supposed to have according to any kind of media that described falling in love, my conclusion was that I must be lesbian. Maybe not the most logical conclusion, as I did not have such feelings for any girl, either.

But still ... maybe sex with a woman ... would be better?

I have talked about this with my husband. He would not mind if I tried that.

But "try it", how, there does not seem to be a way. I am not a teenager or in college anymore and most importantly I am not single. Even if this were still true there would still be the problem of having the courage to make contact (I'm shy). But now it's impossible. I could not start a relationship (not for just trying things out). But I am also not attractive so that nobody would be interested in "showing me". Goddamn Nay is so lucky.

But maybe sex with men, sex with my husband could be good, too. Maybe we are doing it wrong. We were both inexperienced. There has been some progress. E.g. I cannot bear (physically) being touched ... until we figured out he has to put his whole hand on my skin and must not use his fingertips. Using dilators helped. "Practising" more might help, too ... but I only feel very (very very very) rarely up to it. Or to any other kind of physical contact. He has offered to stop trying. But as I said, I am not ready to give up. Also, I want children.

But maybe I am lesbian or asexual after all and it's never going to work.

It makes me very unhappy that I don't what I am. It's only a small part of my identity, but it is.

On the other hand I feel like I don't really have a right to be sad. What am I even crying about? My life is good. Good job, nice apartment, enough money to go on vacation every year, ... . When I look in this thread and see for example what kind of serious sh*t trans people have to go through in life, it makes me want to hug everyone really tight, and it also makes me feel like I don't have a right to complain about my minor problem of being very confused.

I have considered discussing this with a therapist. Health insurance pays for therapy every wo years (after some application and verification, but usually they do). My first and most recent therapy ended about two and a half years ago, so I could start a new one. But I don't really want to "waste" it on this. I have other issues to work through. My other therapy was so much focused on just managing to graduate (which was necessary) that there was never any time to discuss the roots of my depression. I fear the same thing would happen again - if I ever brought up this topic, we would never talk about anything else again.

Yeah well I guess I just wanted to put this into writing, and this seemed like a good place.
#xkcd-q on irc.foonetic.net - the LGBTIQQA support channel
Please donate to help these people

Sourire
Posts: 334
Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 3:11 pm UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Sourire » Sat Dec 25, 2010 4:45 am UTC

Monika
Spoiler:
It's never, ever too late. For anything. If there's something you can think to try that might make you happier, than it's surely worth it. The worst that could happen is you'd stay put where you are-in that happy place you mentioned with the good job and the apartment.

Don't put yourself or your situation down as impossible or unlikely. From talking to you, if only a handful of times, I can say that you're fun and easy to get along with. :)

We all go through life day by day, learning the answers as we go. The process just sucks sometimes, and I'm sorry for that. *Hugs*
Emi: Let the urge take you on a magic coaster ride of innuendo!

Kewangji: The universe is having an orgasm. Right now.

User avatar
Brace
Posts: 1169
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2009 5:40 am UTC
Location: Denver, Co
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Brace » Sat Dec 25, 2010 5:08 am UTC

Monika wrote:
Spoiler:
On the other hand I feel like I don't really have a right to be sad. What am I even crying about? My life is good. Good job, nice apartment, enough money to go on vacation every year, ... . When I look in this thread and see for example what kind of serious sh*t trans people have to go through in life, it makes me want to hug everyone really tight, and it also makes me feel like I don't have a right to complain about my minor problem of being very confused.


Spoiler:
I just want to say, you shouldn't ever think you're not entitled to your feelings. It's not a competition to see who has it worse, and it's not like one person's issues detract from the validity of another person's. It's also not fair to yourself to compare your issues to other people's. Comparing the most significant issue in your life to the most significant issue in someone elses life neglects the fact that, for both people, both issues are the most significant issue in that persons life. That's all that matters. It doesn't make sense to judge your feelings in contrast to feelings which are outside your range of experience. Don't ever talk yourself out of caring about yourself, and don't let anyone else do it either.


Blah. Edit for obvious reasons. I'm somewhat drunk right now, sorry.
"The future is the only kind of property that the masters willingly concede to the slaves" - Albert Camus

User avatar
Shivahn
Posts: 2200
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 6:17 am UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Shivahn » Sat Dec 25, 2010 6:57 am UTC

Monika...

Spoiler:
You are what you are, and you have every right to your feelings. Just because someone else goes through something else doesn't negate in any way the pain and uncertainty you feel.

And this is the perfect place for that kind of stuff. I hope you feel welcomed and at home here.

User avatar
Zohar
COMMANDER PORN
Posts: 8566
Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2007 8:45 pm UTC
Location: Denver

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Zohar » Sat Dec 25, 2010 10:16 am UTC

First, Sourire, my condolences. That's a frustrating situation to be in. Remember that some of it may just be because they don't know any better.

And Monika, as others have said, it's never too late. I'm not sure how to go about it, but you should do what pleases you. Think of it this way - you're 30 years old, if you know you could be that much happier in a different relationship, is it not worth it? For being that much happier in the next 50 or 60 years? Is it better to stay where you are? I'm not saying you need to change or have to change or anything. But it's worth understanding what might be good for you
Mighty Jalapeno: "See, Zohar agrees, and he's nice to people."
SecondTalon: "Still better looking than Jesus."

Not how I say my name

User avatar
Monika
Welcoming Aarvark
Posts: 3673
Joined: Mon Aug 18, 2008 8:03 am UTC
Location: Germany, near Heidelberg
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Monika » Sat Dec 25, 2010 3:28 pm UTC

Sourire wrote:It's never, ever too late. For anything. If there's something you can think to try that might make you happier, than it's surely worth it.

I just don't think I can get the courage up to try anything and don't have ideas how to go aobut it, either.

Sourire wrote:Don't put yourself or your situation down as impossible or unlikely. From talking to you, if only a handful of times, I can say that you're fun and easy to get along with. :)

That's a very nice thing to say, thank you. :)

Kilroy(ZTC) wrote:I just want to say, you shouldn't ever think you're not entitled to your feelings. It's not a competition to see who has it worse, and it's not like one person's issues detract from the validity of another person's. It's also not fair to yourself to compare your issues to other people's. Comparing the most significant issue in your life to the most significant issue in someone elses life neglects the fact that, for both people, both issues are the most significant issue in that persons life. That's all that matters. It doesn't make sense to judge your feelings in contrast to feelings which are outside your range of experience. Don't ever talk yourself out of caring about yourself, and don't let anyone else do it either.
Blah. Edit for obvious reasons. I'm somewhat drunk right now, sorry.

Shivahn wrote:You are what you are, and you have every right to your feelings. Just because someone else goes through something else doesn't negate in any way the pain and uncertainty you feel.

You are both right. That was a stupid thought. It's not a competition. And now after rereading what I wrote I fear it might sound like I am saying that trans persons in this thread "complained" or made me feel bad about myself - which is totally not what I wanted to say. I guess I was just pitying myself for pitying myself. It made me feel a little bit like my own problems are rather miniscule, but that's only a tiny part of what it made me feel ... much bigger was the feeling that this is really a superinclusive place (as someone put it a few pages back). I have occasionally read a bit on LGB websites, but never got the courage to post in the forums or join the chats. I wasn't sure I could fit in, with all the not-knowing. Also at first in this thread I was reading forward and backward for a while, kind of trying to find posts by people who felt like me. But in the end it was the greater diversity that made me feel "safe" enough to write about myself.

(It also inspired new thoughts for myself. Some posts indicated that some trans women recognized their femaleness by their preference for feminine clothes, jewelry or hair styles. So does my no-skirt, no-high-heels, no-bra, no-make-up, no-jewelry, no-shave, no-purse attitude mean anything about/for me beyond not caring for my attire? No idea, yet, but it's an interesting thought.)

Shivahn wrote:And this is the perfect place for that kind of stuff. I hope you feel welcomed and at home here.

It is the most welcoming place thinkable. :)

Zohar wrote:And Monika, as others have said, it's never too late. I'm not sure how to go about it, but you should do what pleases you. Think of it this way - you're 30 years old, if you know you could be that much happier in a different relationship, is it not worth it? For being that much happier in the next 50 or 60 years? Is it better to stay where you are? I'm not saying you need to change or have to change or anything. But it's worth understanding what might be good for you

If I knew I were lesbian, yes. But I don't know.
#xkcd-q on irc.foonetic.net - the LGBTIQQA support channel
Please donate to help these people

Bassoon
Posts: 476
Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:58 pm UTC
Location: Wisconsin

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Bassoon » Sat Dec 25, 2010 11:05 pm UTC

Oh, how I loathe thee, Christmas with my racist family.

User avatar
Kewangji
Has Been Touched
Posts: 2254
Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2007 5:20 pm UTC
Location: Lost in Translation
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Kewangji » Sun Dec 26, 2010 2:24 am UTC

Happiness:
Spoiler:
I got a skirt as a gift from my cousins and I wore it during the whole Christmas evening :3

Unhappiness:
Spoiler:
Mum felt she had to tell me that I should take it off and that it was enough. Bah, humbug
If you like my words sign up for my newsletter, Airport Tattoo Parlour: https://tinyletter.com/distantstations

The Great Hippo wrote:Nuclear bombs are like potato chips, you can't stop after just *one*

Nordic Einar
Posts: 783
Joined: Sun Nov 30, 2008 7:21 am UTC

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Nordic Einar » Sun Dec 26, 2010 4:05 am UTC

Fuck the closet and fuck my family.

User avatar
Brace
Posts: 1169
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2009 5:40 am UTC
Location: Denver, Co
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Brace » Sun Dec 26, 2010 4:05 am UTC

Someone from the internet bought me a gift and is stalking me. I feel happy, proud, confused, intrigued, and slightly unnerved all at the same time ^^

Edit: OH! I also stumbled across this today. Don't know if it's been posted or not, almost certainly given how many pages there are in this topic, but I thought it was nice, even though
Spoiler:
I'm almost certain that Charlie will die at the end of her chapter T_T

http://www.khaoskomix.com/cgi-bin/archive.cgi

...and a quick search reveals that this was posted not 6 pages ago, but whatever. I liked it.
"The future is the only kind of property that the masters willingly concede to the slaves" - Albert Camus

User avatar
Virtual_Aardvark
Posts: 882
Joined: Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:27 pm UTC
Location: The Final Frontier
Contact:

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Virtual_Aardvark » Sun Dec 26, 2010 4:52 am UTC

I've been reading Khaos since Mark's story. The author's irregular posting habits have caused me a fair bit of agony. I introduced it to a FtM friend at the beginning of Tom's story any he bought me a "I like men in a gay way" shirt. Even though that's all around untrue. :D
"imaginary gardens with real toads in them"
Mighty Jalapeno wrote:An actual cloud... full of lesbians.

User avatar
Zohar
COMMANDER PORN
Posts: 8566
Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2007 8:45 pm UTC
Location: Denver

Re: [SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQ Thread - Queer Support!

Postby Zohar » Sun Dec 26, 2010 7:10 am UTC

Kewangji wrote:Happiness:
Spoiler:
I got a skirt as a gift from my cousins and I wore it during the whole Christmas evening :3

Unhappiness:
Spoiler:
Mum felt she had to tell me that I should take it off and that it was enough. Bah, humbug

Sucks a bit, but it's pretty great that your cousins are supportive. As for your mom, hopefully she just needs getting used to the idea.
Mighty Jalapeno: "See, Zohar agrees, and he's nice to people."
SecondTalon: "Still better looking than Jesus."

Not how I say my name


Return to “General”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 24 guests