You've Got 30 Seconds...

Things that don't belong anywhere else. (Check first).

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You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:00 am UTC

For a minute, I thought this might be a forum GAME, but I thought it was slightly more serious than that (and there's no winners.)

Premise: You've been granted a 30 second commercial timeslot. No no no... don't ask why they picked you. The network has their reasons. Don't question the network. Anyways, you've got 30 seconds to touch the world (assume a lot of people will be watching.)

What would you tell people, that they probably don't know?

As this is a 30 second medium, you're limited to ABOUT 75-100 words, and some simple graphical shots. Maybe some text on the screen. What would you say? (Multiple entries are encouraged)

MJ's Timeslot #1
----------------


Don't be worried about calories. Don't be worried about carbs. Don't be worried about fat. Your body needs fat, and won't fuction without it. Your body needs carbs, and you'll get ketonic without them. Get carbs from fruit and bread. Get fat from dairy and nuts. Get protein from nuts, quinoa and meat, and for the love of Gord, don't eat too much of any of them. Real food is cheaper than food you have to unwrap. As a species, you're getting too fat... stop it.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Darkly » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:30 am UTC

The world is burning.

Run.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Awia » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:36 am UTC

Darkly wrote:The world is burning.

Run.

Where to?
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Flying Betty » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:52 am UTC

Darkly wrote:The world is burning.

Jump.


That better?
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Pandercolour » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:56 am UTC

I'd probably just sit there and rant for 30 seconds about the stupid shit people do.

Similar to Rick Mercer's rant thing.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby krynd » Mon Aug 11, 2008 6:24 am UTC

Krynd's First Idea
I say [rather meekly]"Ehm, hello"[/meekness] "Fuck you all".
Then I'd descend into a rant about how you all suck for about 15 seconds. With the next ~8 seconds, I'd flash a links on a screen while hawking the stuff as if it'll improve you in my eyes. With the last 2 seconds, I'd apologize.

I figure it'd work rather well, considering insulting people tends to get them talking about something. Even though they wouldn't directly remember the product I was selling, they'd remember the commercial, and maybe even mentally "see" the link I flashed on the screen (for about 3 seconds). The fact that I apologized at the end would stir more controversy, as people argue "he insulted us" vs "but then he apologized" (people do this for some reason).

Krynd's Second Idea
Inspired by a local car dealership ad
Put a black screen up with a picture of my product and a link/address to buy it at. Say as little as possible (maybe just "Hey, look at this!").

I heard somewhere that people respond better to a sudden influx of silence than to another flashy ad (probably because of all the flashy ads). Anyway, every time that commerical is on, I can't help but notice it.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Peter_G » Mon Aug 11, 2008 6:46 am UTC

How much rick roll can you get in 30 seconds?
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby steewi » Mon Aug 11, 2008 6:53 am UTC

"Most things are OK. Just keep it in moderation. Beer? Sure, just in moderation. Sex? Sure, just in moderation. They're not bad, only if you have too much of them. Goes for food, too.

RULE OF MODERATION: Do a bunch of stuff, just don't go overboard.

Thank you and goodnight."

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby 1hitcombo » Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:03 am UTC

I'd tell people to be original and stop basing their personalities on media fed factoids and humor. You can still be funny without quoting the Office. Take in as much information as you can and develop your own opinions.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby AtomicCow » Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:14 am UTC

1hitcombo wrote:I'd tell people to be original and stop basing their personalities on media fed factoids and humor. You can still be funny without quoting the Office. Take in as much information as you can and develop your own opinions.


I could never get into The Office. It has too many slow points to keep my interests. I mean I can watch A Shot At Love 2 because there are boobs, but most sitcoms lose me. Except How I Met Your Mother, but that's due to NPH.

I would sit in front of a green screen, and have pictures of things that annoy me, or need to be fixed in this world flash behind me, and I'd just repeat the word "Stop It." kind of like Peter Griffin in that cartoon-y sarcastic way. That or fight a giant chicken with an axe.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Hit3k » Mon Aug 11, 2008 9:04 am UTC

I'd have a staring contest with the people of the world! With a moon walking bear in the background.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Megatriorchis » Mon Aug 11, 2008 9:54 am UTC

I'd advertise Ubik.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby 3fj » Mon Aug 11, 2008 10:28 am UTC

steewi wrote:"Most things are OK. Just keep it in moderation. Beer? Sure, just in moderation. Sex? Sure, just in moderation. They're not bad, only if you have too much of them. Goes for food, too.

RULE OF MODERATION: Do a bunch of stuff, just don't go overboard.

Thank you and goodnight."


Heroin?

I'd ask them to cut it to 5 seconds.
*fade in*
"Stop fucking stabbing people!"
*fade out*
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby tiny » Mon Aug 11, 2008 11:16 am UTC

I'd do some sexy, manipulative speech about how cool it is to reflect and be critical of yourself, and how you will be loved, successful and happy when you start to develop your personality instead of just protecting it.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Freakish » Mon Aug 11, 2008 11:31 am UTC

Probably just another pissed off rant about how stupid people are and how full of shit the world is.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Dingbats » Mon Aug 11, 2008 12:12 pm UTC

Well, people would perhaps listen to what I'm saying for those thirty seconds, but two minutes later they'll have forgotten it. Who cares what some random dude says in a commercial break. I don't.

So I'd probably just have them air some epileptic light show with annoying high pitched noises just to screw with people.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby JimBot! » Mon Aug 11, 2008 12:50 pm UTC

People.

Turn off the TV and go outside.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Meowgan » Mon Aug 11, 2008 12:54 pm UTC

I would Rick Roll, duh.

Seriously, that's the first verse at least!
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Delalyra » Mon Aug 11, 2008 12:55 pm UTC

Definitely a rickroll.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby tryptanymph » Mon Aug 11, 2008 1:01 pm UTC

"Hey, do you know something?

Just because Subway is, "prepared fresh in front of you", doesn't mean the ingredients are fresh.

Seriously, most of their subs taste exactly the same."

The rest would just be subliminal advertising for Pepsi, my band, and Terry Pratchett.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby cyberia » Mon Aug 11, 2008 1:23 pm UTC

I'd like to know where the motivation for this thread came from? Are we mere guinea pigs in some fiendish sociological experiment?

Idea #1:

Maybe 5 seconds of some generic ad then scramble the picture and audio, replace with a picture of a large industrial door. 5 more seconds of silence then a vocoder-distorted voice saying, 'Tell them we are coming'. 5 more seconds of silence with the door showing. And cut.

Idea #2:

15 seconds of a silent white screen with occasional noise and visual flicker. Then a voice saying, 'You don't know what you're missing'. Some more silence. And cut.

Idea #3:

The XKCD 'Discovery Channel' ad, professionally produced.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby the_bandersnatch » Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:27 pm UTC

I would be dressed in a smart suit in a plain white room. I would stand looking expectantly but in silence at the camera. Then, at the 29th second, I would open my mouth to speak.

A whole planet would go crazy :twisted:
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Sir_Elderberry » Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:32 pm UTC

I don't think it would fit into thirty seconds though:

Spoiler:
Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine -- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration - whereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death, or the end of some awful bloody struggle - are celebrated with a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:34 pm UTC

cyberia wrote:I'd like to know where the motivation for this thread came from? Are we mere guinea pigs in some fiendish sociological experiment?

I was just curious. Many things that have greatly influenced me CAN be summed up in 30 seconds or less, but most people watch TV to avoid influential things (I mean positively influential). There's so much common knowledge that the average person just DOESN'T know, that I wondered what you wish people did know.

And it seems to come down to insults and rickrolling. Serves me right for asking this question on the Internet.

EDIT: Oh, man, Elderberry, I wanted to do Bill Hicks' "It's Just A Ride" speech, too, but it comes out to 40 seconds, even if I talk fast...

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Ubik » Mon Aug 11, 2008 3:12 pm UTC

Megatriorchis wrote:I'd advertise Ubik.


Funny how that didn't come to my mind immediately. But to be honest, I'm not all that convinced that Ubik commercial would be my way to use those 30 seconds.

Edit: It's a good idea nonetheless.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Plasma Man » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:27 pm UTC

Attempt 1

"Hello. What are you doing? You're sitting there watching television. Is that really the best thing you could be doing? As far as you know, this is your only span of existence. No-one has ever communicated from before birth or after death. Make the most of your life. Don't mess up other people's. Now, go and find someone to hug."

I timed myself saying that, it comes to about 25, 26 seconds. Maybe the last few seconds could just be me hugging someone.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Megatriorchis » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:39 pm UTC

Dingbats wrote:So I'd probably just have them air some epileptic light show with annoying high pitched noises just to screw with people.

If you add subliminal messages, you could effectively brainwash them.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby emceng » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:54 pm UTC

Idea #1: Hey ladies, I'm single and on TV! Date me.

Idea #2: Rant about things that are so retarded it makes my brain hurt - e.g. faith healing, homeopathy, crystal healing, 9/11 conspiracies, etc.

Idea #3: Actually say something profound that about 2 people might actually listen to.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Alpha Omicron » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:57 pm UTC

Something based on the hidden fine print message on the Fight Club DVD.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby space_raptor » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:59 pm UTC

It would be called Why Nuclear Power Is Awesome by space_raptor
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby scarecrovv » Mon Aug 11, 2008 6:19 pm UTC

Idea 1:

"Before you believe anything, ask yourself one question: 'does this make sense?'. If it doesn't make sense, put the alternatives through the same test. If none of them make sense either, then admit to yourself that you don't know the truth on this matter and busy about finding an answer that makes sense. Perform this process on all your current beliefs too. Thank you."

Idea 2:

A fake activation of the Emergency Alert System, announcing a nuclear attack on the United States.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Mo0man » Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:08 pm UTC

"Stand back everyone, nothing here to see. Just imminent danger and in the middle of it: me! Yes, Captain Hammer's here hair blowing is the breeze, the day needs my saving expert-"
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby anyone » Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:26 pm UTC

Flying Betty wrote:
Darkly wrote:The world is burning.

Jump.


That better?


How high?

I second the idea of falsely announcing a nuclear attack on the US. Like, for sure. Mass hysteria rulz.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby SlyReaper » Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:31 pm UTC

I'd talk about maths, and explain why it isn't actually that boring. I'd give a mathematical proof as to why maths isn't boring.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:33 pm UTC

SlyReaper wrote:I'd talk about maths, and explain why it isn't actually that boring. I'd give a mathematical proof as to why maths isn't boring.


So y = r cubed over 3. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

The class laughs except for Bart who appears confused.

Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative dy = 3 r squared dr over 3, or r squared dr, or r dr r.... harr dee harr harr!

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Mr. Beck » Wed Aug 13, 2008 5:25 am UTC

the_bandersnatch wrote:I would be dressed in a smart suit in a plain white room. I would stand looking expectantly but in silence at the camera. Then, at the 29th second, I would open my mouth to speak.

A whole planet would go crazy :twisted:

You now currently occupy by "Best idea by XKCDan" hero slot. That is like a gamma ray bust of fuck-with-folks-ism.


scarecrovv wrote:Idea 2:

A fake activation of the Emergency Alert System, announcing a nuclear attack on the United States.

:twisted:
I approve.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby Solt » Wed Aug 13, 2008 6:02 am UTC

"If you leave the TV and instead go out and try to live your life I can guarantee that you won't regret it. Life is short, then we die forever."

Or,

Shots of a bunch of epic accomplishments set to cool music like a man walking on the moon, the campaign to annihilate smallpox, the Panama canal, the Olympics, etc., and then the text/speech "see what we can accomplish when we set aside our differences and work together."

the_bandersnatch wrote:I would be dressed in a smart suit in a plain white room. I would stand looking expectantly but in silence at the camera. Then, at the 29th second, I would open my mouth to speak.

A whole planet would go crazy :twisted:


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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby 4=5 » Wed Aug 13, 2008 6:02 am UTC

bodies: they're all beautiful.

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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby '; DROP DATABASE;-- » Wed Aug 13, 2008 6:46 am UTC

I'd probably spend the whole time flashing charts about global warming, energy consumption, etc and prattling on about how the planet's fucked unless we all stop being idiots and start recycling, conserving, etc right the hell now.

Or like some people suggested, a simple "STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE WATCHING TV AND GO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE".

Or just run some porn just to mess with everyone. Just 30 seconds of porn.
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Re: You've Got 30 Seconds...

Postby poxic » Wed Aug 13, 2008 7:25 am UTC

"Every time you think, or feel, an electrochemical reaction occurs inside your brain.

If we were to insert chemicals into different parts of your brain, you would think or feel specific things, because chemistry is what you're made of.

There's no magic. There's no need for a spirit, or a soul[d]. You are your body. You are your chemistry.

Now, go out there and live your life as though it were the only one you'll ever have. It probably is."
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