So almost a year ago I deconverted from Christianity. This has really fucked with my relationships with literally everyone I know. School has taken up a lot of my time (despite the fact that I did a minimum of work and procrastinated the hell out of it, doing a number on my GPA in the process), and thus I haven't been able to go out and make new friends. I do not know, IRL, a single person who shares anything close to my beliefs. Well, I'll take that back: There are a few of my friends who, in practical terms, are fairly liberal Christians, but will take the fundamentalist position if questioned; I've also just remembered that one other kid deconverted two or three weeks ago. I can't believe I forgot about that. Unfortunately, we haven't really hit it off. Their views aren't a huge deal, though it is a little frustrating, partly because they're so resistant to doing/talking about fairly normal things because they think it's wrong. The problem is that I can't talk to them about how I've changed, or have philosophical/ideological conversations about things because I have to keep my atheism a secret. It's a pain in the ass, having to keep my mouth shut whenever I want to tell them I think they're wrong and maybe could we talk about it? There's no one to bitch about the annoying Christian policies and actions of my private Christian school, either. I feel like I can't be open with my friends. I feel like they don't know me, that we're not really friends but more acquaintances, that I'm an outsider infiltrating their organization but never able to become a part of it. There's a distance between myself and them. I've got all these feelings and ideas inside me that I just can't share with anyone. This isn't even all because of the religious differences--I think I've just got shitty friends. I don't know if it's me or if it's them, but they're not very interested in talking about anything more serious than video games. I'm not a big help; I don't bring up any of those topics for fear that I might alienate them. It's for me to make any more friends at the moment because A) I can't join any specifically nonreligious groups because of my parents, B) I suck at finding places to go, and C) I suck at making friends. I have literally not made a single friend since seventh grade. Largely, this is because I have had no new kids to become friends with since then, so there is some hope. I think I've been improving at social interaction, so we'll see how it goes when I eventually manage to meet some new people.
Then there's this teacher I've had since eighth grade. He's been a fairly large influence in my life. I used to look up to him, because he had what seemed at the time to be very rational opinions. And they were, if you were a Christian. He's very fundamentalist, so his positions actually fit with the Bible on occasion. Even afterwards, I still thought he was a good person and generally rational, despite his faulty premise. Well, that notion was destroyed a few weeks ago when he turned out to be a full-blown, unapologetic, sexist prick. I'd always known he wasn't particularly egalitarian, but I didn't think it was that bad. Aside from that, I've been noticing more and more that his political views are batshit crazy. -1 hero. At least I've got some new and improved ones now.
Now for the especially teenage parts of the angst: I really, really want a girlfriend. Largely this desire stems from my inability to be open and honest with anyone. I have this idea stuck in my head that I could be with a girlfriend. There's also a huge push from my hormones. I've never had a girlfriend, and I think I'm probably way off base with this, taking the wrong path to filling my social needs, but that isn't stopping me from wanting it. However, I doubt that I'll be able to find out, because the only girl I've considered dating wouldn't be a good fit. Now, you'll probably think I'm being too picky, but I think I can honestly say that I'm not. I do hardly anything outside of school, and it's only got a hundred students, so I have 50 potential dates, total, and all of them are devout Christians. There are two girls who go to my church. One of them I dislike (or at least I did in the past. I didn't interact with her much for a long time, but have a couple times more recently and she seems pretty ok now) and the other is the one I have a crush on. It's nuts, though. She's very outgoing and extroverted, and I love talking to her. I suppose we could get along. She ignores Christian values most of the time, but she has a very strong belief in them. The real trouble for me is that I have no idea if she likes me at all. We've been going to church together for as long as I can remember, so I'm firmly rooted in the "friend zone" if such a thing exists. I have no experience in this department. No idea what to do, how to read people, anything. It's terrible. As I've explained above, I don't even have friends to ask about it. Not only could asking destabilize what friendships I have, it wouldn't help anyways as none of them have had girlfriends either (fucking repressive Christian school/community). She came with me to prom; dunno what that means. I'm all kinds of confused and disoriented.
And for the final subject: Goddamn parents. I hate how much control they have over me. It's demeaning to have to ask permission for just about everything I do. Having to spend months convincing them to let me play fucking D&D is just ridiculous. They get involved in my business and I have to do a lot of conniving to get/keep them out of it. My mom managed to capture me in the car during a drive in order to make sure that I wasn't planning on fucking anyone because I had invited someone to prom (I think I've mentioned this before, but whatever, I'm pissed enough to rant about it again). After half an hour of dodging questions, I finally gave up and just lied through my teeth. I'm not planning on it anytime soon, but if she knew what I thought I wouldn't have been allowed to go to prom and probably been kicked off the internet too. I would love to be able to tell them what I really think, but it wouldn't help. Because of our differences (not entirely; I've never been that close to them), I don't care too much about my parents. I'll be glad to be rid of them. I'm tired of dealing with religious asshats who have a huge amount of control over me and are more than willing to use it to keep me to their standards. I'm tired of looking over my shoulder all the time to be sure that they're not watching me. I'm tired of hiding my morals and my beliefs. I'm tired of worrying that they'll discover what I'm doing, of not doing what I want and what is perfectly fine (like playing D&D or joining my local SSA group) because of the way they would react. I'm tired of being dragged to worship a being that doesn't exist every Sunday. I'm fucking tired of it. The next year cannot pass too quickly.
In addition to the oppression at home, there's the school teachers and administrators who push the most fundamentalist bullshit on us every day. Chapel was yesterday. We were told to sit and pray for the last ten minutes because they ran out of stuff to talk about. Luckily I was able to steer my group into shooting the breeze instead of praying, but for the last five minutes we were required to pray silently because apparently ours was not the only group uninterested in prayer. It wasn't a big deal, but it was just so useless. A hundred people spending five minutes doing nothing but wishing really hard. Group prayer more than anything else has become really surreal since I deconverted.
I will (hopefully) be going to a public school next year, so that should solve problems 1-3 and 5, but I'll still have to deal with problem #4 for at least a year, possible three, after that. I'm not sure that I'll be able to do it, but I will be giving it my best shot. #4 might still be a problem after graduation because I won't be moving out of state for college. The one I plan to go to for my undergraduate degree is only an hour away from my house. I hope to live in the dorms there, but even then there will still be interference from my parents. Whee, so there's everything I've wanted to talk about for the past few months, posted on the internet. Not quite as good as telling people in meatspace, but I feel a little bit better now.